One more day until my due date. One week off of work already. Waiting feels surreal. Most of every moment is consumed by thoughts of parenthood, baby, infant, son, labor, birth. Questions, not worries, but thoughts and questions. A simple thought and question followed by a long and detailed daydream of what may occur. What if they come out and it's actually a girl? What will we name her? What if I try my hardest and still end up having a c section? What if I feel pressured by hospital staff into using drugs? What if everything goes just as I hope? What if I sneak my dogs into the room with me so we don't have to leave them at home? What if I accidentally poop on the bed? What if this isn't a baby at all and I just have to take a really big dump? What if it's twins? What if it's a puppy? or a whole litter of puppies!!?
This could go on for hours... days. And it has!
So, when will this happen? I could still be waiting another two weeks! I'm starting to understand why a woman would want to be induced after she's gone past her due date instead of waiting. It's not exactly that I'm uncomfortable. Although I am, it is completely bearable. It's not just because I'm impatient, I've already waited this long. It's more because I am waiting for something inevitable but I have no idea or control over when it will come! What else in life is like this? So inevitable, so prolonged and yet, so unpredictable. I cannot think of another time in my life that was anything like this. This waiting. This anticipation. You know what is going to happen but you really know nothing of when or where or the details.This could be maddening if you let it.
Instead I try to clean, cook, walk around. Pet my dogs. Spend time with my husband. Eat, sleep, read, watch TV. I write, I've read every booklet and instruction manual on every new device we got for the baby. Everything we have has been assembled, washed, cleaned, and washed again. Laundry is done, dinner is made for the next three days. I've even made some meals and frozen them so we have healthy delicious choices when we are tired after coming home from the hospital.
My husband is on call, his phone is charged. He is ready to go. I know he is excited. He is eager. He wants to meet his first born. He has been hoping for this for 3 weeks! I'm sorry, I wish I could deliver. Haha, Pun intended.
Still I'll wait. Now I'll shower, get dressed and go somewhere. I will try to take my mind off the waiting for the unknown. I will walk around in a store, go to a park and maybe bake some cookies later. Don't forget the nap.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
39 Week Check Up / What About Induction?
We went to the doctors on Thursday. My 39 week check up. There again was a healthy baby heartbeat. It has been many times we have heard that rhythmic sound but it does not get old or boring. It does, however, get old to have to wait for the doctor sitting on a piece of butcher paper with no pants on with a giant napkin for a blanket covering my lap. But hey, what can you do?
So, blood pressure was good, baby's heartbeat was good and no other bad symptoms or warning signs of trouble. I can tell that the little fella has dropped down some in the last two weeks and I am starting to feel kind of crampy. Like it's that time of the month or something. I am also having some lower back pain. My braxton hicks contractions are getting stronger and more uncomfortable. So there we are at the doctors for her to tell me what we've all been waiting for. Anything happening down there?
She checked me and said that I was a centimeter dialated. Really? Yes! Something is happening. She said that my cervix was softening and thinning but I could still have a ways to go. My doctor always says "I don't think it will be tomorrow, it still looks like you're right on track for your due date, but you never know!" with a big smile. "I'll be around this weekend so I'm ready whenever you are." She's such a great lady. I feel so lucky to have a doctor like her..
This appointment was a huge relief. I had been having some worries about the possibility of having to be induced. I know that is strange, since I've never been told that I would have to, we'd barely even talked about it. I just know that I feel pretty fine still and my due date is a week away, will they just want to cut me open a minute after midnight on the 17th if nothing is happening yet? Scary thought.
I know, as I've mentioned before, I do not want to have to take any drugs during labor. I especially do not want Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of Oxytocin, a hormone the body naturally produces that plays a large part in labor and birth. It's the hormone that gets contractions going and it naturally acts as a pain reliever and provides that uphoric feeling after birth that helps the mother bond with the baby. As I understand it, Pitocin brings on contractions that are stronger than what you would have on your own. They have to keep increasing the dose until the contractions have a 'normal' pattern. It is said that Pitocin contractions are more painful and the epidural rate is much higher in mothers who have been given Pitocin, as is the C Section rate. All that leaves me wondering, how does this feel to the fetus? Stronger contractions coming on suddenly before everything else is ripe and ready on it's own. Sounds uncomfortable.
So I asked my doctor directly. If I do not go into labor on my own by my due date, what is our back up plan? I am worried about induction and, as you know I do not want medication. That definitely includes Pitocin. My doc's answer was great. She told me that I probably wouldn't have to worry because things were progressing wonderfully. If I haven't gone into labor by my due date, no big deal. We would set another appointment for a week out and see what happens. She said she usually will set an appointment to induce labor right around 42 weeks. She also said that some women didn't mind waiting still but most want this all to be over with by then.
There are many ways to induce labor. I am glad she mentioned this because I was reading about that too. First, it is a long and uncomfortable process to be induced before you are ready. She explained there are signs to look for to make sure that we can move forward and that includes effacement, dilation and softening of the cervix. If that is not ripe, Pitocin will be an uphill battle and may result in a long uncomfortable labor and even C Section.
Other options for inducing include Cervidil, which is a medication that helps thin (efface) the cervix. There is also a balloon like thing they can insert in the cervix that they slowly fill with water that will force you to dilate and should start contractions. The last option works if there are no contractions but the cervix is ready and that is to manually break the water. The last two options sounded pretty good to me. Uncomfortable but good. No drugs.
She also talked about stripping or sweeping the membranes. That is when the doctor manually separates the membrane (water bag) from the cervix. This usually stimulates the release of prostaglandins (the natural form of Cervidil) and helps thin the cervix. Then, after this conversation during the physical exam, she did just that. I only felt pressure. It was fine.
After we left the docs office, I had more contractions but they weren't regular and they weren't very painful. Now almost 48 hours later I'm feeling pretty normal. The fake contractions are getting stronger, I feel like I have cramps. All of this is normal. Things are working downstairs. There I go again. I just have to have faith that my body will do what it should. The rest is up to me to stay calm and patient.
So, blood pressure was good, baby's heartbeat was good and no other bad symptoms or warning signs of trouble. I can tell that the little fella has dropped down some in the last two weeks and I am starting to feel kind of crampy. Like it's that time of the month or something. I am also having some lower back pain. My braxton hicks contractions are getting stronger and more uncomfortable. So there we are at the doctors for her to tell me what we've all been waiting for. Anything happening down there?
She checked me and said that I was a centimeter dialated. Really? Yes! Something is happening. She said that my cervix was softening and thinning but I could still have a ways to go. My doctor always says "I don't think it will be tomorrow, it still looks like you're right on track for your due date, but you never know!" with a big smile. "I'll be around this weekend so I'm ready whenever you are." She's such a great lady. I feel so lucky to have a doctor like her..
This appointment was a huge relief. I had been having some worries about the possibility of having to be induced. I know that is strange, since I've never been told that I would have to, we'd barely even talked about it. I just know that I feel pretty fine still and my due date is a week away, will they just want to cut me open a minute after midnight on the 17th if nothing is happening yet? Scary thought.
I know, as I've mentioned before, I do not want to have to take any drugs during labor. I especially do not want Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of Oxytocin, a hormone the body naturally produces that plays a large part in labor and birth. It's the hormone that gets contractions going and it naturally acts as a pain reliever and provides that uphoric feeling after birth that helps the mother bond with the baby. As I understand it, Pitocin brings on contractions that are stronger than what you would have on your own. They have to keep increasing the dose until the contractions have a 'normal' pattern. It is said that Pitocin contractions are more painful and the epidural rate is much higher in mothers who have been given Pitocin, as is the C Section rate. All that leaves me wondering, how does this feel to the fetus? Stronger contractions coming on suddenly before everything else is ripe and ready on it's own. Sounds uncomfortable.
So I asked my doctor directly. If I do not go into labor on my own by my due date, what is our back up plan? I am worried about induction and, as you know I do not want medication. That definitely includes Pitocin. My doc's answer was great. She told me that I probably wouldn't have to worry because things were progressing wonderfully. If I haven't gone into labor by my due date, no big deal. We would set another appointment for a week out and see what happens. She said she usually will set an appointment to induce labor right around 42 weeks. She also said that some women didn't mind waiting still but most want this all to be over with by then.
There are many ways to induce labor. I am glad she mentioned this because I was reading about that too. First, it is a long and uncomfortable process to be induced before you are ready. She explained there are signs to look for to make sure that we can move forward and that includes effacement, dilation and softening of the cervix. If that is not ripe, Pitocin will be an uphill battle and may result in a long uncomfortable labor and even C Section.
Other options for inducing include Cervidil, which is a medication that helps thin (efface) the cervix. There is also a balloon like thing they can insert in the cervix that they slowly fill with water that will force you to dilate and should start contractions. The last option works if there are no contractions but the cervix is ready and that is to manually break the water. The last two options sounded pretty good to me. Uncomfortable but good. No drugs.
She also talked about stripping or sweeping the membranes. That is when the doctor manually separates the membrane (water bag) from the cervix. This usually stimulates the release of prostaglandins (the natural form of Cervidil) and helps thin the cervix. Then, after this conversation during the physical exam, she did just that. I only felt pressure. It was fine.
After we left the docs office, I had more contractions but they weren't regular and they weren't very painful. Now almost 48 hours later I'm feeling pretty normal. The fake contractions are getting stronger, I feel like I have cramps. All of this is normal. Things are working downstairs. There I go again. I just have to have faith that my body will do what it should. The rest is up to me to stay calm and patient.
Friday, October 11, 2013
39 Weeks & 1 Day / Body After Baby?
Whoa, less than one week to go until my due date. That is unbelievable. The closer I get, the more I think that date doesn't really mean as much as I thought it did. I am pretty darn sure the due date is as close as it can get to correct. My monthly cycle was like clockwork and I found out I was pregnant right away so I know the first day of my last period. This is not some guess from an ultrasound tech, although they did confirm they believed I would be due on 10/19, just 2 days later. Even still, this is just a guess. You are considered full term anywhere from 37-42 weeks. This can really happen any day now, or maybe not for another three weeks!
Did anyone ever stop and think about this and use their math skills? People say you are pregnant for nine months. They calculate you're due date 40 weeks out. There are 4 weeks in a month. 40 divided by 4 is 10. That means 40 weeks equals 10 months. Pregnant for TEN months. How is that?
Well I understand now, although it seems confusing. Week 1 is the week you had your last period. Week 2 is waiting for your egg to drop down from your ovarie. Somewhere in the end of week 2 or the beginning of week 3 is when your egg was fertilized and somewhere in week 4 that fertilized egg implanted itself into the uterus. A few days after implantation you will be able to get a positive home pregnancy test because of the hormones coursing through your body. All that 'work' in month one and you weren't carrying yet, still they count those weeks as 1 through 4.
Okay. So then you are tired and most likely nauseous. If you are like me you are extremely tired and a little nauseous. The next 12 weeks after implantation where exhausting. Hey, what can I say, I was building a new organ for gods sake. A placenta. This valuable piece of meat will convert my blood into usable food, blood and oxygen that my fetus needs to survive. Not to mention that during that time my body actually made more blood. That's right, I doubled the volume of blood I had in my body. That's pretty amazing too.
Then I have a placenta and a nice warm watery womb for a baby to grow up in. Things got a little easier after that. The placenta starting doing some of the heavy lifting. I wasn't so tired, the fog lifted. Looking at a ham steak or a raw piece of chicken didn't make me cry anymore and bedtime was no longer by 7pm. Maybe I'd survive the rest of this journey after all.
I have to say the rest of this pregnancy has been pretty easy compared to that first part. Other than the heartburn and sleepless nights. All of it is tolerable though. But wow, how my body has changed. I have a human living inside of me. A full term baby right now. My stomach is stretched beyond any imaginable limit, the number on the scale is at an all time high (although, not much more than my previous heaviest weight) and my hips feel like my legs may fall out of my pelvic sockets at any moment, leaving me dragging my torso across the floor with my arms. It's almost like walking on stilts.
So how will I recover from this? I'm sure every woman wonders this when she is pregnant. What will my body be like after this is all over? My body was not perfect, but it was familiar, it was mine. Now I can excuse any of it's strangeness because I am temporarily sharing it with another tenant, but what next?
I worry a little, because I've always been pretty hard on myself. This last nine months have very much been an exception to that rule. I've really learned to love my body as I learned about all the amazing achievements it was making on its own. I've just been along for the ride. Sure I've taken good care of this body, with food and some exercise, enough water and sleep. Really it did most of the work on it's own. Now what? Do I trust it still to make the proper changes. That my skin will be elastic enough to mostly shrink back. That my body will adjust and lose the weight I gained. Should I trust that this body can make enough food to sustain this new life it just expelled? I guess I should.
This body has given me no reason to doubt it in the last nine months. Come to think of it, it has given me no reason to doubt it in my entire life. I think I was just confused and distrusting before. I did not truly understand what health was and I was surely not helped by the governments BMI charts and their insistence of an obesity epidemic, the media's view of what a woman should look like or society's idea of what it must mean if you are overweight (lazy, boring, unintelligent). I think it's time I shred those preconceptions and junk science and try things differently this time.
I will not go on a diet. I will not restrict one certain kind of food. It will not be time for a juice fast, a raw vegan lifestyle or a meat and cheese forget the carbs binge. I will not buy the newest diet book, The Zone, South Beach, Paleo Diet, Atkins, Forks Over Knives, Engine 2, or Eat To Live. I will not shop the health food isle and buy overpriced processed products made from chemicals assembled to simulate food and nutrients. I will not join WeightWatchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrasystem or any gym or health club.
Well what will I do then? For those of you who know me, you may know I've tried most of those things. I've lost the same 50lbs about 4 times. I have read all of those diet books. I have religiously gone to WeightWatchers meetings once a week for a year at a time. I started to diet at about 12 years old. I was active, healthy, involved in sports, played outside and loved life. Why did I think my body was failing? It was not. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I wouldn't have started to diet then, would I have ever gained as much weight as I did? Dieting doesn't work. You might lose weight, but it is always temporary and usually its returned with a few more pounds then you had to begin with. Sometimes a diet can make you sick, make you weak and tired and really hurt you.
Does this mean I will sustain myself on frozen burritos and hamburger helper? Absolutely not. I like real food. It is what tastes good to me. I want a salad, or a half of an acorn squash. I want that chicken breast with rice and veggies. Not dieting doesn't have to mean shoving processed food into your face in front of a TV twelve hours a day. Actually, I think that is a form of dieting. That is not a natural way to eat either. It is not natural to override your body's signals telling you that you are full.
I will try instead to move forward and listen to my body. If I am hungry, I will eat. If I am thirsty, I will drink. When I am satisfied I will stop eating and when I am tired I will sleep. I will eat a wide variety of foods, always including my favorite veggies and fruits. I will walk places and enjoy the outside with my new baby and my dogs. Most of all, I want to continue being happy. I will not feel guilt if I eat some chips, ice cream or some meat. I am living. This is what it is to be human. What my body does with this is genetics. It is natural. I will not be Kate Moss or Laura Flynn Boyle, nor did I ever want to be. I will be healthy and happy and that is how I will be a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good employee, a good friend and a good person.
Did anyone ever stop and think about this and use their math skills? People say you are pregnant for nine months. They calculate you're due date 40 weeks out. There are 4 weeks in a month. 40 divided by 4 is 10. That means 40 weeks equals 10 months. Pregnant for TEN months. How is that?
Well I understand now, although it seems confusing. Week 1 is the week you had your last period. Week 2 is waiting for your egg to drop down from your ovarie. Somewhere in the end of week 2 or the beginning of week 3 is when your egg was fertilized and somewhere in week 4 that fertilized egg implanted itself into the uterus. A few days after implantation you will be able to get a positive home pregnancy test because of the hormones coursing through your body. All that 'work' in month one and you weren't carrying yet, still they count those weeks as 1 through 4.
Okay. So then you are tired and most likely nauseous. If you are like me you are extremely tired and a little nauseous. The next 12 weeks after implantation where exhausting. Hey, what can I say, I was building a new organ for gods sake. A placenta. This valuable piece of meat will convert my blood into usable food, blood and oxygen that my fetus needs to survive. Not to mention that during that time my body actually made more blood. That's right, I doubled the volume of blood I had in my body. That's pretty amazing too.
Then I have a placenta and a nice warm watery womb for a baby to grow up in. Things got a little easier after that. The placenta starting doing some of the heavy lifting. I wasn't so tired, the fog lifted. Looking at a ham steak or a raw piece of chicken didn't make me cry anymore and bedtime was no longer by 7pm. Maybe I'd survive the rest of this journey after all.
I have to say the rest of this pregnancy has been pretty easy compared to that first part. Other than the heartburn and sleepless nights. All of it is tolerable though. But wow, how my body has changed. I have a human living inside of me. A full term baby right now. My stomach is stretched beyond any imaginable limit, the number on the scale is at an all time high (although, not much more than my previous heaviest weight) and my hips feel like my legs may fall out of my pelvic sockets at any moment, leaving me dragging my torso across the floor with my arms. It's almost like walking on stilts.
So how will I recover from this? I'm sure every woman wonders this when she is pregnant. What will my body be like after this is all over? My body was not perfect, but it was familiar, it was mine. Now I can excuse any of it's strangeness because I am temporarily sharing it with another tenant, but what next?
I worry a little, because I've always been pretty hard on myself. This last nine months have very much been an exception to that rule. I've really learned to love my body as I learned about all the amazing achievements it was making on its own. I've just been along for the ride. Sure I've taken good care of this body, with food and some exercise, enough water and sleep. Really it did most of the work on it's own. Now what? Do I trust it still to make the proper changes. That my skin will be elastic enough to mostly shrink back. That my body will adjust and lose the weight I gained. Should I trust that this body can make enough food to sustain this new life it just expelled? I guess I should.
This body has given me no reason to doubt it in the last nine months. Come to think of it, it has given me no reason to doubt it in my entire life. I think I was just confused and distrusting before. I did not truly understand what health was and I was surely not helped by the governments BMI charts and their insistence of an obesity epidemic, the media's view of what a woman should look like or society's idea of what it must mean if you are overweight (lazy, boring, unintelligent). I think it's time I shred those preconceptions and junk science and try things differently this time.
I will not go on a diet. I will not restrict one certain kind of food. It will not be time for a juice fast, a raw vegan lifestyle or a meat and cheese forget the carbs binge. I will not buy the newest diet book, The Zone, South Beach, Paleo Diet, Atkins, Forks Over Knives, Engine 2, or Eat To Live. I will not shop the health food isle and buy overpriced processed products made from chemicals assembled to simulate food and nutrients. I will not join WeightWatchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrasystem or any gym or health club.
Well what will I do then? For those of you who know me, you may know I've tried most of those things. I've lost the same 50lbs about 4 times. I have read all of those diet books. I have religiously gone to WeightWatchers meetings once a week for a year at a time. I started to diet at about 12 years old. I was active, healthy, involved in sports, played outside and loved life. Why did I think my body was failing? It was not. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I wouldn't have started to diet then, would I have ever gained as much weight as I did? Dieting doesn't work. You might lose weight, but it is always temporary and usually its returned with a few more pounds then you had to begin with. Sometimes a diet can make you sick, make you weak and tired and really hurt you.
Does this mean I will sustain myself on frozen burritos and hamburger helper? Absolutely not. I like real food. It is what tastes good to me. I want a salad, or a half of an acorn squash. I want that chicken breast with rice and veggies. Not dieting doesn't have to mean shoving processed food into your face in front of a TV twelve hours a day. Actually, I think that is a form of dieting. That is not a natural way to eat either. It is not natural to override your body's signals telling you that you are full.
I will try instead to move forward and listen to my body. If I am hungry, I will eat. If I am thirsty, I will drink. When I am satisfied I will stop eating and when I am tired I will sleep. I will eat a wide variety of foods, always including my favorite veggies and fruits. I will walk places and enjoy the outside with my new baby and my dogs. Most of all, I want to continue being happy. I will not feel guilt if I eat some chips, ice cream or some meat. I am living. This is what it is to be human. What my body does with this is genetics. It is natural. I will not be Kate Moss or Laura Flynn Boyle, nor did I ever want to be. I will be healthy and happy and that is how I will be a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good employee, a good friend and a good person.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Goodbye for Now, Little Body Shop/ Sick Day
Today (Tuesday 10/8) was my last day of work for a while. It feels really strange and surreal. Last Friday 10/4 was supposed to be my last day, but with a coworker on vacation I said I'd make it in until he was back To work Wednesday morning. So, I went in Monday. I did some paperwork, caught up my coworkers on some stuff and left for the day before noon. I'm trying to ease into this. Today I woke up early, at 4:30am when my husbands alarm went off. He was gone by 5am but I did not fall back to sleep.
I stayed in bed listening to Earwolf's Comedy Bang Bang podcast and laughing. Not a bad way to wake up at all. Cozy, hysterical and add my loving dog Snorp to this picture snuggling up next to me and it's pure bliss. Something felt off though. When I got up, I just felt off. No, could this be? Is it finally happening?
I have caught the cold that was going around! Noooo!
Everyone has been sick at work, no one stays home. I've been diligent about washing my hands and not putting any of the ball point pens in my mouth. But to no avail. I am sick. What a bummer. This is not something I want, or thought I'd have to deal with right now. This was not a part of my birth plan. HA!
I went to work anyway, thinking maybe this cold thing was just a false alarm. Sometimes in the morning I may feel stuffy, but once I get moving around I'm good. I got to work and was sneezing and sniffing and no, this is a cold. It's official. I caught up the paperwork and told my boss I would need to take a sick day to get over this cold so I can go have a baby. That, of course, was just fine.
I went back to our break room for our 10am body shop meeting. All the guys were back there and I said a formal farewell and see you soon. They all got a few more questions in and a few more tips on birth. I love hearing 2cents on labor and delivery from 50 year old men. They remember what it was like when their kids were born 20 plus years ago and what their wives went through. Never mind that things may have changed or that each experience is different. I love it. 'Go for a C Section, you'll be done in an hour.' or 'Make sure you get that back shot thing before it's too late.' or 'No, you're gonna want the drugs.'
I like to tell them I'll get my drugs in a doggy bag and save them for a Saturday night. They liked that. I also told them it was okay if they were threatened by my toughness. I told them they could stop by the hospital when I was in labor and we could arm wrestle and chew tobacco.
Lots of things I've read talk about how mad women get when people tell them what they are planning is wrong. If they want an epi someone is telling them to do a natural home birth. If they want to drugs someone is telling them they won't survive without a spinal block. If they have a scheduled C Section someone is telling them that you can have infection and it will be bad for the baby. This is life. It's annoying and constant. Get over it. You can't control what opinions are thrown at you. Don't let it upset you, you do have control over that. If you're not sure about something, do some non biased research and come up with your own opinion. Sometimes your opinion may change, be flexible. Don't let people upset you just because they think differently than you do.
The other day, I was on the phone with a very familiar repeat customer. She is known for being overly chatty. There she was, chatting away and she got out of me that I was taking time off to have a baby. She told me 'Oh, make sure you have them give you the epidural before it's too late.' I told her I was trying to go without medication. 'Oh, no. If you have back labor like I did you WOULD DIE. You can't do that. You'll NEED an epidural. Make sure you get one. Tell them that I told you you'd need one before it is too late.'
'Well, we'll see' Is all I said, thankfully I was on the phone so I could roll my eyes too. It feels good. I don't have to get upset or let this ruin my day, scare me or change my plans but shit yes, I will roll my eyes. It's funny, I've thought a lot about this topic and this person is just assuming I know nothing about anything and her experience over 30 years ago was more valid than any other documentation on the subject. Oh, people. Sheesh.
That is okay, people can have their opinions no matter how stupid or invalid they might be. I can chose to agree or disagree. I can choose to get upset and angry or I can choose to laugh. Usually, I choose to laugh. Laugh at myself and others. It's all funny. We can read and plan and remember past experiences all we want but we can't control the future.
I stayed in bed listening to Earwolf's Comedy Bang Bang podcast and laughing. Not a bad way to wake up at all. Cozy, hysterical and add my loving dog Snorp to this picture snuggling up next to me and it's pure bliss. Something felt off though. When I got up, I just felt off. No, could this be? Is it finally happening?
I have caught the cold that was going around! Noooo!
Everyone has been sick at work, no one stays home. I've been diligent about washing my hands and not putting any of the ball point pens in my mouth. But to no avail. I am sick. What a bummer. This is not something I want, or thought I'd have to deal with right now. This was not a part of my birth plan. HA!
I went to work anyway, thinking maybe this cold thing was just a false alarm. Sometimes in the morning I may feel stuffy, but once I get moving around I'm good. I got to work and was sneezing and sniffing and no, this is a cold. It's official. I caught up the paperwork and told my boss I would need to take a sick day to get over this cold so I can go have a baby. That, of course, was just fine.
I went back to our break room for our 10am body shop meeting. All the guys were back there and I said a formal farewell and see you soon. They all got a few more questions in and a few more tips on birth. I love hearing 2cents on labor and delivery from 50 year old men. They remember what it was like when their kids were born 20 plus years ago and what their wives went through. Never mind that things may have changed or that each experience is different. I love it. 'Go for a C Section, you'll be done in an hour.' or 'Make sure you get that back shot thing before it's too late.' or 'No, you're gonna want the drugs.'
I like to tell them I'll get my drugs in a doggy bag and save them for a Saturday night. They liked that. I also told them it was okay if they were threatened by my toughness. I told them they could stop by the hospital when I was in labor and we could arm wrestle and chew tobacco.
Lots of things I've read talk about how mad women get when people tell them what they are planning is wrong. If they want an epi someone is telling them to do a natural home birth. If they want to drugs someone is telling them they won't survive without a spinal block. If they have a scheduled C Section someone is telling them that you can have infection and it will be bad for the baby. This is life. It's annoying and constant. Get over it. You can't control what opinions are thrown at you. Don't let it upset you, you do have control over that. If you're not sure about something, do some non biased research and come up with your own opinion. Sometimes your opinion may change, be flexible. Don't let people upset you just because they think differently than you do.
The other day, I was on the phone with a very familiar repeat customer. She is known for being overly chatty. There she was, chatting away and she got out of me that I was taking time off to have a baby. She told me 'Oh, make sure you have them give you the epidural before it's too late.' I told her I was trying to go without medication. 'Oh, no. If you have back labor like I did you WOULD DIE. You can't do that. You'll NEED an epidural. Make sure you get one. Tell them that I told you you'd need one before it is too late.'
'Well, we'll see' Is all I said, thankfully I was on the phone so I could roll my eyes too. It feels good. I don't have to get upset or let this ruin my day, scare me or change my plans but shit yes, I will roll my eyes. It's funny, I've thought a lot about this topic and this person is just assuming I know nothing about anything and her experience over 30 years ago was more valid than any other documentation on the subject. Oh, people. Sheesh.
That is okay, people can have their opinions no matter how stupid or invalid they might be. I can chose to agree or disagree. I can choose to get upset and angry or I can choose to laugh. Usually, I choose to laugh. Laugh at myself and others. It's all funny. We can read and plan and remember past experiences all we want but we can't control the future.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
38 Weeks and 3 days, Preparing for Labor
I guess I need to start saying that. 'If I am not in labor'. I think I'll go to the grocery store in the morning, if I am not in labor. Ooh, I want to cook that barley and butternut squash recipe I read about, if I am not in labor. I think tonight will be a great night to sleep, if I am not in labor!
We went to the doc's again on Thursday, that was day 1 of 38 weeks. She told me that things are progressing the way they should be. The baby has moved down some since the last time she checked me two weeks before. He is still head down and butt out front and my cervix is softening but not quite dilated yet. So she doesn't predict an early delivery, but you never know!
My doctor is very honest and realistic. She knows that the body will do what it wants to and while there are many factors that she can count on as good predictors, there is no sure way to say when I will go into labor. We talked more about choosing to forgo the drugs during birth. My doctor spoke more straight forward than ever.
"The more natural you can go, the more likely you will have a shorter and successful vaginal birth. The epidural rate has risen over the years and so has the cesarean rate. There is something to that. Your labor might not hurt as bad with an epidural but you won't be able to move around and it will slow things down a lot. If you can do without that and keep moving you will have a much better chance that things will keep progressing well and move forward faster. If you need a break, take IV pain meds and try to sleep for a little bit. Remember, this cannot last forever. This is a marathon, your marathon, into motherhood."
How great it was to hear all that. There is the conclusion I have come to in all the reading I have done. I CAN do this without drugs. It is only temporary and it is only pain and discomfort. I WANT to do this without drugs. I don't care at all what you did for your labor. This isn't for anyone else to compare to. This is MY marathon into motherhood. MINE. I have control over myself, and if I do change my mind when I'm there, who gives a shit. That is my decision to make, I should not feel bad or like a failure. If I should have to have a C section, I did not fail at giving birth. If the end result is three living family members in the room instead of the two that walked in, then we have succeeded.
I feel lucky that my husband, partner, best friend is so supportive. I get a lot of "Well, if you don't want drugs I think that is pretty cool. If anyone could do this it is you, Lanni. and if you do change you're mind, we are at the hospital and all we have to do is ask."
He has also been randomly giving me compliments about how well I've been handling pregnancy. That makes me proud that he is noticing that I am not a wussy or a whiner. Usually, wussies and whiners get all the attention. The squeaky wheel gets the grease right?
I have had no shortage of uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms but I've chosen not to focus on them and make them worse. I am choosing not to make them bigger than they are. Paul has noticed. He noticed that it must be tough to carry this extra and awkward weight, it must not be much fun dealing with around the clock heartburn and shortness of breath. He knows it probably would suck to have to get up five times a night to pee. While I talk about those things sometimes, it's mostly to joke about and not to cry about. I am glad someone has noticed. No this isn't easy, but it is most defiantly tolerable.
Only time will tell how this will go. I burned my birth plan and instead will bring my confidence, flexibility and resilience. I will not have tight restrictions on what others can or cannot do. I will not try to tell the weather I am demanding 55 degrees and sunny. I will go into this with the understanding that I will control the only thing I actually have control over: the way I react to any given situation. This is my marathon into motherhood.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
37 Weeks Plus, Still Waiting/Birth Plan
37 weeks and 5 days. 17 days to go until our due date. Still Waiting.
Everything is going quite well. I am still working full time, I am still able to do most things. I am having a harder time bending over and lifting things. I suppose I shouldn't be doing that anyway, so yeah. I'm learning to ask for help, which to be honest, has been tough. Sleep hasn't been without interruptions. I've been used to the get up and pee every few hours thing, but now I'm waking up to the baby rolling around and having a harder time falling back to sleep. It's okay really, I'm not that groggy when I get going in the morning. I do, however get tired earlier in the day than I used to. No coffee to help me along either.
All of this is very normal and bearable. I also realize it's preparing me for being roused from my peaceful slumber to feed and care for a new born. I'm getting good at it. The waking up part, only time will tell for the rest.
The strange part is waiting. Waiting for something I'm pretty unsure about. I am pretty sure of the final outcome. I know I will have a baby. I just know how it will start, or progress. This is my first time and I don't really know what I'm waiting for exactly. How will this happen? Nobody knows. It's different for everyone. Still waiting...
I've read enough that I know what might happen, or should happen. But every piece of information that I read also says how it is different for everyone, with every pregnancy. 'Results Not Typical'. That is why my birth plan has gotten shorter and shorter and now seems insignificant. Everything you read now, and every new mom I've talked to asks 'What is your birth plan?' 'Do you have a birth plan ready yet?' And I'm like, what the hell is a birth plan? Yes, I plan to give birth!!!
Read this controversial and possibly offensive article written by a medical doctor on the subject of birth plans. Oh yes, the author is also a woman.
Birth Plans: Worse Than Useless
Well turns out it's a newer and now very important birth plan is pushed pretty hard if you are leaning toward the hopes of a natural birth. And what does that even really mean anyway. I am pretty set that I don't want any drugs. No pain medication that is. I don't want IV narcotics because I don't want my baby to have narcotics. I don't want an epidural for a much more selfish reason. I am much less afraid of the pain I will experience than I am of the idea of someone shoving a huge needle into my spine causing me to lose all feeling in my legs. It will also make me immobile. What if there is finally that zombie apocalypse that I've been planning for? I don't think I'll be able to run. What if there is a bear loose in the Child Birth Center? What then? In all seriousness, I just don't want that huge needle jammed in and I want to be able to move about the cabin. But, if there is an emergency and I need a C section, than so be it. I know I'll need to be numb for that!
So here is my birth plan:
I wish to deliver a baby from the inside of my body to the outside, hopefully by way of my vagina and without pain medication, but ultimately, by any means necessary. Thanks for your help!
Does that really need to be written down or can my husband and I just tell the nurse that when they offer me drugs? Believe me, I've gotten really good at turning drugs down in my lifetime, especially in the last nine months.
Everything is going quite well. I am still working full time, I am still able to do most things. I am having a harder time bending over and lifting things. I suppose I shouldn't be doing that anyway, so yeah. I'm learning to ask for help, which to be honest, has been tough. Sleep hasn't been without interruptions. I've been used to the get up and pee every few hours thing, but now I'm waking up to the baby rolling around and having a harder time falling back to sleep. It's okay really, I'm not that groggy when I get going in the morning. I do, however get tired earlier in the day than I used to. No coffee to help me along either.
All of this is very normal and bearable. I also realize it's preparing me for being roused from my peaceful slumber to feed and care for a new born. I'm getting good at it. The waking up part, only time will tell for the rest.
The strange part is waiting. Waiting for something I'm pretty unsure about. I am pretty sure of the final outcome. I know I will have a baby. I just know how it will start, or progress. This is my first time and I don't really know what I'm waiting for exactly. How will this happen? Nobody knows. It's different for everyone. Still waiting...
Read this controversial and possibly offensive article written by a medical doctor on the subject of birth plans. Oh yes, the author is also a woman.
Birth Plans: Worse Than Useless
Well turns out it's a newer and now very important birth plan is pushed pretty hard if you are leaning toward the hopes of a natural birth. And what does that even really mean anyway. I am pretty set that I don't want any drugs. No pain medication that is. I don't want IV narcotics because I don't want my baby to have narcotics. I don't want an epidural for a much more selfish reason. I am much less afraid of the pain I will experience than I am of the idea of someone shoving a huge needle into my spine causing me to lose all feeling in my legs. It will also make me immobile. What if there is finally that zombie apocalypse that I've been planning for? I don't think I'll be able to run. What if there is a bear loose in the Child Birth Center? What then? In all seriousness, I just don't want that huge needle jammed in and I want to be able to move about the cabin. But, if there is an emergency and I need a C section, than so be it. I know I'll need to be numb for that!
So here is my birth plan:
I wish to deliver a baby from the inside of my body to the outside, hopefully by way of my vagina and without pain medication, but ultimately, by any means necessary. Thanks for your help!
Does that really need to be written down or can my husband and I just tell the nurse that when they offer me drugs? Believe me, I've gotten really good at turning drugs down in my lifetime, especially in the last nine months.
Monday, September 16, 2013
35 weeks and 4 days: Nesting
Well, needless to say I haven't been writing as much. It's been a slow progression into laziness. Laziness is not the correct word. Madness? Madness is also not the correct word. If only there was a unique word to describe how I've been feeling and acting.I am still working. Full time. A little less than I am used to, about 43 hours a week. I still have weekends off, where I expect that I will sleep for a least 48 hours straight because I am so tired from the work week, but I never do. Weeknights I assume I will drive home from work with my eyelids propped open with toothpicks and roll out of my car into bed for the night. I do not.
Something happens when I get home, a second wind. Something miraculous. I start to clean; laundry, dishes, make dinner, washing baby clothes and blankets. Is this the 'nesting' I've read about? For some reason when I heard the word nesting, I always thought it meant sleeping a lot. Like just hanging out in your home (nest) and not doing anything. Now I realize it means getting this nest ready for your egg to hatch. It's an impulse that defies all logic. I am exhausted, I should rest. What the hell am I doing.
So yesterday, Saturday, I woke up at 4:30 am with my husband as he got ready to go to work. We talked for a while and I figured I'd just drift back off to sleep after he left. After all, falling back to sleep is a finely honed skill by now. All the trips to the bathroom every night has really given me a lot of practice. Paul did leave for work at about 5 or 5:30, I however, did not fall back to sleep. I went into the kitchen for some water. And so it began.
There were a couple glasses and a dish in the sink from the night before. I washed them. Without thinking, I then started to give the sink a good scrub down. I went into the fridge for a bottle of cold water, but not before rearranging everything, pulling out and tossing old food and wiping everything down. Finally I had my water in hand and I headed back to bed where my big blind dog was keeping a spot warm for me. Looking at Louie lying there I thought how much nicer this would be if my blankets and sheets were clean. I painstakingly got Louie to wake up and 'scoot over', 'off the bed' and stripped all the blankets, sheets and pillow cases and started a load of laundry. There I realized there were tiny muddy paw prints on the top of the washer and dryer from where a naughty cat had been. I got the cleaner and some paper towels and proceeded to wipe off every square inch of the washer and dryer, then the counter and cupboard and on and on until everything was sparkling in our utility room.
So now of course I cannot go to sleep on a bare mattress. The sun is up and the dogs are hungry. I fed the dogs and came back inside. Before I know it I'm cleaning off the dining room table, paying a few bills and filling out a preregistration form for the Child Birth Center at our local hospital. Folding laundry, vacuuming, dusting the ficken vacuum off! What next? I haven't even made my way down the hall into the nursery yet. Suddenly everything just stops. My energy drops. I've been up for 4 hours or so and I haven't eaten or drank any of that water that started all of this. I make a snack. The blankets are done so I make the bed. The warm comforter from the dryer feels and smells so good that I finally lay back down. I felt like I could sleep for another eight hours.
This nesting business is a strange phenomenon. I am cleaning and being productive without a list or a plan of any sort. Actually while I was doing it, my mind was pretty much blank. Later I went on the computer and update my Facebook status:
"I've been awake since 4:30am. I am cleaning. And cleaning things that clean things. Like dusting the vacuum, and wiping off the washer and dryer. Is this what 'nesting' feels like? Meth, it feels like meth."
Oh, boy I'm so funny. Ha! My brother commented that my mother was doing the very same thing at the same time. If this is nesting, then my mom has been nesting for 40 years or so. She has a especially intense bought of the nesting on weekends and it usually starts before sunrise.
Maybe this isn't nesting at all, maybe I am just finally becoming what I was always told I would some day. My mother.
That used to be a scary thought. I have changed my mind on the subject. I am not ACTUALLY turning into my mother. I am still 34 years younger and live a different life. This is not Freaky Friday or anything. It's a fact that as we get older, we may fall into some similar patterns as our parents. That is why I believe that we need to be conscious and honest about this. If your folks were horribly abusive shit bags, than maybe you should be aware that your predisposition is leaning toward the same.
Fortunately for me, my mothers quirks are pretty minor and she is all and all maybe the best woman I have ever known. Thanks mom for nesting all these years. You took great care of us.
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