And Then There Was Dario

We had a baby. It was awesome. I did it! No drugs! I remember every detail. I got super high, naturally. The body is an amazing thing. I am still impressed when I think about it.

After giving birth, there I was, in a hospital with my husband and our new son. My mom headed out right after he was born to give us time to bond and rest. The nurses cleaned up and moved out. It was just us, our little family. Paul, Lanni and Dario. Starting our life together.

So much had changed with my body in such a short time. My big hard belly was gone. I had lost a lot of blood. I had a third degree tear and a bunch of stitches. I did not know what this meant at the time and I really didn't care. I had this beautiful baby in my arms!

I tried to breast feed for the first time not long after he was born. He got it right away. I felt awkward trying to find a comfortable position to hold him. I also felt like I was suffocating him with my giant boob. The nurse helped and reassured me. My husband just kept reminding me that I needed to "push the milk out" and he would flex his arms and chest and make grunting sounds. I love him because he can always make me laugh, but I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.

A strange part about nursing initially was that it caused more contractions. I really didn't remember reading about that. Nursing makes your body make oxytocin, it makes you feel good, bond with your baby and it contracts your uterus to help it shrink back down to size. Very interesting how it all works.

Just after the little guy latched on I was suddenly ravenously hungry and super thirsty. I figure this is where I would be tempted to eat my young if he wasn't so cute and I wasn't all loopy from the hormones. The nurse seemed to know that I would be hungry and brought me whatever she could find since the kitchen was already closed. A half a sandwich, a small bag of pretzels, a banana, a cookie and some juice. She also filled my water jug with the best ice water I had ever had. I hadn't eaten for over 14 hours, that was a super long time for a pregnant lady.

I slept, a little, when the baby slept. A nurse came in the room every hour to check the babies temperature and listen to his heartbeat. I tried nursing every two hours. Dario didn't hardly cry at all that first night. He fussed a little and I would talk to him and he would settle right back down.

We stayed another day and night in the hospital and checked out in the morning. I guess it's called discharge when you leave the hospital, not check out time, but whatever. It wasn't like a regular hospital experience. It wasn't like I was in the ER or had some kind of traumatic injury or surgery. I've decided I'll call it check out time.

The ride home from the hospital was surreal. I rode in the back with Dario. He looked so little in the car seat. His body was mush and he couldn't hold his head back at all. I found myself holding his head the whole drive home, just staring at him. Many hours of just staring at him have followed, and many more are still to come I'm sure.

In my upcoming posts, I will try to go week by week. I am catching up from a lack of writing. For six weeks I have only taken notes. So many changes are happening everyday. I hope to note them here for us to look back on someday. I also hope that my friends and family that aren't close by will enjoy reading, and if someone stumbles on this that has a young child they may take something from it.

Me and Dario, 10/21/2013, 1 day old.

How to Lose 15 lbs in 12 Hours! (Part 2)

We kept on with the same after the doctor left. I would have a contraction every few minutes where I would pause and breathe and focus on relaxing. Time went by, nurses came and went. They checked my blood pressure and made sure the babies heart rate was good and staying steady through my contractions. Everything was fine. My doctor said I didn't need to be hooked up to the fetal monitors and that they could check his heartbeat intermittently. When the nurse came in I told her that and she laughed at me. This was the only nurse that I was not happy with. Everyone else there was amazing.

She went and talked to my doctor and confirmed what I had said. Apparently there is some sort of hospital regulation that you have to check the vitals every 20 minutes or something. So they found some monitors that were wireless to hook me to where I could still move around. The monitors would not stay in place and the not-so-great nurse was getting frustrated trying to find the heartbeat. I knew we were fine and I was trying, and doing well, not letting that nurses frustration and worry rub off on me.

At 2:00 or so my doctor came back and checked me. I was 8cm. She was pleased with the progress and thought that it wouldn't be long until the baby was here. What a relief. Because I was handling the contractions so well, I started to doubt that they were strong enough to make any progress. That was just a fleeting thought and I put it out of my mind, but it was still great to hear the doctors update and know we were getting closer to meeting our baby.

I paced, I sat on the yoga ball, I stretched, I sat on the couch with my husband. We made jokes, laughed, watched Futurama on TV, took pictures. I got a back rub anytime I asked. I was pretty fun. Awesome. The most fun vacation in the most expensive hotel I've ever been to.

It was around five or six o'clock. I was starting to get tired but I was too excited to really nap. My doctor came again and checked me. I was still 8cm. How disappointing. My doctor was concerned about my stalled progress. She said she was surprised I wasn't budging because I was doing everything 'right', walking around, bouncing on the yoga ball, staying upright. She suggested Pitocin. I was double disappointed. I had really not wanted Pitocin. I had made it this far with no pain meds. Can we wait, what should I do?

I agreed the Pitocin after my doctor explained, we decided we would start at the lowest dose possible and give that a while and see what happens. There it was, an annoying nurse, medical intervention. If I had written out a meticulous birth plan and set myself up with unrealistic expectations this is where I would have been super disappointed. The wind would have been knocked out of me. But I didn't. I knew this was okay. This was my story, this was the story of my sons birth. Here we go.

It didn't take long for the Pitocin to start changing my contractions. These were much more intense. Legs shaking, stomach turning. I swore, I called to Jesus, I asked for my mommy. At 7pm there was a shift change and the nurse that was bugging me all day was leaving. Thank God. With these new more intense contractions it would be more difficult to deal with her. The new nurse walked in and knew just what to do. She immediately knew I was close. My doctor checked and I was about 9 1/2cm dilated now. They said I could try to push. First I was on my hands and knees. I was rocking back and forth. Then everything started whirling by me.

More nurses came in. The doctor started to change into her scrubs. The nurse told her to hurry up because the baby was coming. My husband was by my side putting cold towels on my forehead and the back of my neck. I started making hilarious jokes. I said 'Oh, this is when you stop caring if everyone sees you naked.' and 'I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shit all over everyone.' Paul said "Go ahead and shit honey, they don't care, they're getting paid for this."

"Fuck, shit, holy mother of God, Jesus Christ, what the fuck, no No NO!"

Pushing. I thought I had been on the bed pushing only for a few minutes. It's like taking LSD. It's one crazy trip. Sights, sounds, colors, smells, sensations. Everything was there but disjointed and messy. Pushing was hard. I felt out of shape. I was sure I was doing it wrong and I was just going to poop. The doctor reassured me that it was the baby.

I pushed again. I heard someone say "There's the head!". I reached down and felt my baby's head, it was so warm. I felt he had hair. Just the very top of his head was out. I heard my doctor say something had dropped and she told a nurse to call pediatrics. Next thing I know there are two men in the room and more nurses. I saw a scalpel or scissors or some sharp object and didn't care. That would have been on my birth plan: no episiotomy. I would rather tear on my own if I've got to.

Then my doctor says "One more push and you'll meet your baby". I heard my husband gasp. I kept asking him if he was okay. Then came the contraction. I pulled my legs back, put my chin to my chest and gave it all I had left. I felt his head come out, shoulders and then someone grabbed him and put him up on my chest. Two nurses were toweling him off. He was full size! Good looking. A real baby. Oh. My. God. That just happened.

And then he cried. Time stopped. All pain went away. I was just my husband and I looking at our child. It was exhilarating. The next thing I remembered was the doctor telling me she was giving me a local anesthetic to numb me a little while she stitched me up. I felt it. I felt the injection. I felt the pulling. I felt the stitches run through. The whole area wasn't numb but I didn't even care. I was holding my baby, and I was in love with him!!!

It took a long time for the stitches. They took the baby over to a warming table and measured him and checked over everything. My mom and my husband stood around him. He was rated 9 out of 10 on the APGAR scale. He was 8lbs 11oz and 21 1/4 inches long. He was perfect. PERFECT!!! There has never been a better baby in all of human history. Now I know what every mother has felt. It truely is amazing.

How to Lose 15lbs in 12 Hours! (Part 1)

Well, the inevitable happened. The day came. The moment we've all been waiting for. A tiny human was born. My baby vacated my magic uterus. He is born. World, this is Dario. Dario, World.

Right now he is sleeping. If that isn't happening he is eating or having his diaper changed. There are small amounts of time where we visit and I talk to him and he looks at me with big dark blue-grey bloodshot eyes and makes funny faces. I am completely, utterly, obsessively in love.

How did it happen? There was so much time I spent just thinking about all the different ways I could bring him into this world. No matter how much I thought about it, no matter how much I wondered or how many stories I read, nothing could prepare me for the actual day.

It was Saturday night. We went to bed early. Paul wasn't feeling well, he had just come down with a cold. We were both asleep by 8:30 or so. I woke up to use the bathroom a couple of times. Paul woke up with me at about 2:30am. He took some Tylenol and drank some water. His cold was really manifesting itself. It's strange because he's rarely sick. He has only had a cold one, maybe two other times since we met. We joked about how it wasn't convenient to be sick when we were so close to expecting the baby to arrive. Then we talked about how we would need to make a plan to be induced at our appointment on Thursday since nothing was happening. I got up to use the bathroom before we both drifted back to sleep. I felt something funny in my belly and when I got to the bathroom I thought I had already started to pee. Or was it?

Sure, I thought I was a little leaky. No big deal. The baby was napping on my bladder again and he was really running out of room. I could only hold a few tablespoons of urine at a time it seemed. I'm bound to accidentally squeeze some out, right? I went back to bed. I woke up again at about 6:30am. I was wet. I knew I did not wet the bed. I was dreaming of having contractions and doing a great job staying calm and relaxed through each one. I was well rested after about 10 hours of sleep. I knew that my water had broken. It was a slow leak, not the tsunami you see on the movies, but I knew what it was. Just after standing up I started to have some light contractions. This is it. It is? I woke up Paul.

I told him softly that I thought my water had broken, and that I needed to call the childbirth center to see what we needed to do. I told him to take a shower and to get the hospital bag I had packed along with the diaper bag ready. I got dressed, ate a bagel and cream cheese, fed the dogs and called my mom. I told her we'd call her if we were admitted to the hospital and she could come down if she wanted to. I was sitting on a chair on my back porch when I realised I was totally stalling. I didn't really want to go to the hospital. I had hoped that my labor would start and get strong without my water breaking so I could spend all my early labor at home. Oh well, I cannot choose. I just have to go in and see what will happen.

I went back inside and realised I hadn't even called the child birth center yet to tell them we were coming. I called and they said they could check the fluid to see if it was my water and they'd go from there. We put our things in the car and left the house around 7:30am. We got the the hospital before 8am and were in a room talking with a nurse shortly after. She checked and said it was, of course, that my water had broken. They hooked me up to the monitors and saw I was having regular contractions and they were only about 3 minutes apart. She went and called my doctor.

The nurse came back in the room and said she'd called the doc and told her my water had broken, I was having regular contractions that looked strong on the machine but that I couldn't feel them. Couldn't feel them? What? I asked. She said, since I was calm and still able to talk with her that I must not be feeling them. I assured her that I was definitely feeling it, I was just choosing to stay calm and focused. She was surprised and seemed skeptical and took us to a labor and delivery room to get settled. My doctor would be there soon to check me. We called my mom.

When my doctor got there it was just before 11am. I was dealing really well with the contractions. Paul, my mom and I were talking and laughing and just wasting time while we waited. The doc checked and said I was already 6cm dilated. Nice. Everyone was shocked that I was that far along and I wasn't complaining or crying or asking for drugs. This was going to be a piece of cake.

Ha!

To Be Continued...

Saying Goodbye to My Fetus and Hello to My Baby

From our birth announcement

So, today is October 18th, 2013. Yesterday was my babies due date. Yesterday was a date that I had looked forward to for nine months. Although I've known all along that a due date is just the best educated guess, and it is more likely to give birth in the two weeks before or the two weeks following that date than it is to give birth on that date, I still held on to some hope. Statistically, I think it's only about 5% on women that go into labor on their due date.

How do they come up with that due date anyway? The doctor calculated from the first day of my last menstrual period 40 weeks out, and that is the date. There are other factors. That date is assuming that I have a 'normal' 28 day cycle. If it's longer than 28 days then the delivery date could be later. When I had my first ultrasound at about 12 weeks the tech said she'd pick my due date for October 19th. They calculate that date by the measurements they take of the baby. My next ultrasound at 20 weeks, the same tech said with these new measurements she would say October 18th.

Here we are, it is October 18th. Maybe today? Maybe tomorrow? Everyone is so anxious. People keep calling, writing, texting. Anything? Anything yet? How about now? Ahhh! It's hard for me, I feel good. Yes I am having some cramping and back pain on and off. I do know I am not currently in active labor and I don't know when this will happen.

This is a struggle for me mentally. On one hand, I want to meet this person that has grown inside of my body. My baby, my son. I want my husband to meet his son. I see how excited he is and I know it will be amazing to see him with this baby. He is not a 'baby guy' but he is already head over heels in love with his son. I want to see what our baby looks like, smells like, how much he weighs, what his cry sounds like. I want to try breastfeeding, changing his diaper, laying him down for bed in his crib. I want to have our dogs meet him. I want to see their reactions. I want to be a mother. I want to make my mother a grandmother. So many positives, so much excitement. So much unknown!

On the other hand, in the beginning I had to really spend a lot of energy deciding to be happy while pregnant. I have tried to enjoy each day, each strange symptom and each new change to my body because I know it is temporary. If I whined and complained the whole time, what a waste it would be! I have really grown comfortable with my baby inside my magic uterus. Felling his movements, his kicks. I know the times of the day when he will be up and active. I start to anticipate his movements and then, there he is. I like getting his hiccups with him. I feel them, just the same motion as when I have them myself, only they are inside my belly and not in my chest and throat. And those hiccups are so tiny and cute. I know when I feel a left foot, right foot a hand or a head. I know when he's sticking his butt out really far and my belly bulges to one side or the other. I know I will miss that. I will miss being able to take him everywhere with me, hands free. Being about to take him to work with me. I've known all along this is temporary, but now that it's time, it is almost sad to let it go.

When our son is born, his infancy will be so temporary. The time when he will be essentially a tiny fetus outside of the womb will last a matter of weeks. Then he will be cooing and smiling and growing bigger. Soon he will be teething, sitting up, standing then walking. Before we know it he will be asking for the keys to the flying car or use of our teleportation machine or whatever kind of transportation we will have in the future. Every moment we have is temporary. Every stage of life is fleeting. We have to savor each moment, even the difficult ones.

I think part of me going into labor needs to be me mourning the loss of my fetus and celebrating the birth of my baby. Mourning the loss of my life with my husband as we know it and celebrating the start of our family. I need to tell him I am ready for him to come out and start the next chapter of his life with us. I need to be okay with sharing my baby with the rest of the world. There is no going back. Right now, I need to come to terms with getting ready to enjoy this birthing experience. This transition to moving him outside of my body. Sure there will be pain they say. There will be blood and gore and hospitals. I will not be scared. I will enjoy every moment of it. This will be the last big party for my fetus and the first big party for our babies birthday.

I'll get out my pointy party hat, streamers and noise makers. I am ready for this. Lets go.

40 Week Doctors Appointment

Our doctors appointment yesterday went well. I am progressing. I am now 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. (Last week I was 1cm dilated and 50% effaced). My doctor seems excited. She said that I am moving along quite well. The more effaced that I am when I go into labor the easier it will be.

My doc and I talk about when it will be time to go to the hospital at almost every appointment. She says the contractions should be about 1 minute in length and about 5 minutes apart. They should hold that pattern for about an hour before we go to the hospital. She said the longer I can labor at home the better. She did say however, that those contractions need to be very strong, not just consistent for that to be active labor. She told us that when I start to go, 'oh, okay. I see why people talk about how painful this is." or "Now I get why ladies choose to get an epidural!" then it is time and we should be on the way. A rule of thumb is that if you have to ask yourself if you are in active labor, you are not. You will know.

Our doctor has been doing this a long time. Longer than I have been alive. She told me that nothing can describe the feeling I will have. She had seen a ton of babies born and knew what to expect and seen first hand what women go through and she said she was still surprised when she went into labor with her first born. That prompted me to ask her how many babies she thought she'd delivered. She was quiet for a moment and thought about it. "About 1,000." she said. Wow, how amazing. She has seen it all I am sure. Every style of delivery from emergencies to text book. C Sections, forceps, vacuum, medicated, unmedicated and all the rest I don't even know about.

I feel so lucky to have her on our side. To have known her since I was a kid. To have had her take care of me anytime I was sick growing up. To have had her take care of my mother all these years. and now have her here at this most important time of my life and she will be there for our baby. I feel so lucky to feel so comfortable with our doctor. To have someone so well trained and certified, that is also so intuitive and caring and has so much real world, hands on experience. We are lucky beyond words.

Enjoying Killing Time

One more day until my due date. One week off of work already. Waiting feels surreal. Most of every moment is consumed by thoughts of parenthood, baby, infant, son, labor, birth. Questions, not worries, but thoughts and questions. A simple thought and question followed by a long and detailed daydream of what may occur. What if they come out and it's actually a girl? What will we name her? What if I try my hardest and still end up having a c section? What if I feel pressured by hospital staff into using drugs? What if everything goes just as I hope? What if I sneak my dogs into the room with me so we don't have to leave them at home? What if I accidentally poop on the bed? What if this isn't a baby at all and I just have to take a really big dump? What if it's twins? What if it's a puppy? or a whole litter of puppies!!?

This could go on for hours... days. And it has!

So, when will this happen? I could still be waiting another two weeks! I'm starting to understand why a woman would want to be induced after she's gone past her due date instead of waiting. It's not exactly that I'm uncomfortable. Although I am, it is completely bearable. It's not just because I'm impatient, I've already waited this long. It's more because I am waiting for something inevitable but I have no idea or control over when it will come! What else in life is like this? So inevitable, so prolonged and yet, so unpredictable. I cannot think of another time in my life that was anything like this. This waiting. This anticipation. You know what is going to happen but you really know nothing of when or where or the details.This could be maddening if you let it.

Instead I try to clean, cook, walk around. Pet my dogs. Spend time with my husband. Eat, sleep, read, watch TV. I write, I've read every booklet and instruction manual on every new device we got for the baby. Everything we have has been assembled, washed, cleaned, and washed again. Laundry is done, dinner is made for the next three days. I've even made some meals and frozen them so we have healthy delicious choices when we are tired after coming home from the hospital.

My husband is on call, his phone is charged. He is ready to go. I know he is excited. He is eager. He wants to meet his first born. He has been hoping for this for 3 weeks! I'm sorry, I wish I could deliver. Haha, Pun intended.

Still I'll wait. Now I'll shower, get dressed and go somewhere. I will try to take my mind off the waiting for the unknown. I will walk around in a store, go to a park and maybe bake some cookies later. Don't forget the nap.

39 Week Check Up / What About Induction?

We went to the doctors on Thursday. My 39 week check up. There again was a healthy baby heartbeat. It has been many times we have heard that rhythmic sound but it does not get old or boring. It does, however, get old to have to wait for the doctor sitting on a piece of butcher paper with no pants on with a giant napkin for a blanket covering my lap. But hey, what can you do?

So, blood pressure was good, baby's heartbeat was good and no other bad symptoms or warning signs of trouble. I can tell that the little fella has dropped down some in the last two weeks and I am starting to feel kind of crampy. Like it's that time of the month or something. I am also having some lower back pain. My braxton hicks contractions are getting stronger and more uncomfortable. So there we are at the doctors for her to tell me what we've all been waiting for. Anything happening down there?

She checked me and said that I was a centimeter dialated. Really? Yes! Something is happening. She said that my cervix was softening and thinning but I could still have a ways to go. My doctor always says "I don't think it will be tomorrow, it still looks like you're right on track for your due date, but you never know!" with a big smile. "I'll be around this weekend so I'm ready whenever you are." She's such a great lady. I feel so lucky to have a doctor like her..

This appointment was a huge relief. I had been having some worries about the possibility of having to be induced. I know that is strange, since I've never been told that I would have to, we'd barely even talked about it. I just know that I feel pretty fine still and my due date is a week away, will they just want to cut me open a minute after midnight on the 17th if nothing is happening yet? Scary thought.

I know, as I've mentioned before, I do not want to have to take any drugs during labor. I especially do not want Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of Oxytocin, a hormone the body naturally produces that plays a large part in labor and birth. It's the hormone that gets contractions going and it naturally acts as a pain reliever and provides that uphoric feeling after birth that helps the mother bond with the baby. As I understand it, Pitocin brings on contractions that are stronger than what you would have on your own. They have to keep increasing the dose until the contractions have a 'normal' pattern. It is said that Pitocin contractions are more painful and the epidural rate is much higher in mothers who have been given Pitocin, as is the C Section rate. All that leaves me wondering, how does this feel to the fetus? Stronger contractions coming on suddenly before everything else is ripe and ready on it's own. Sounds uncomfortable.

So I asked my doctor directly. If I do not go into labor on my own by my due date, what is our back up plan? I am worried about induction and, as you know I do not want medication. That definitely includes Pitocin. My doc's answer was great. She told me that I probably wouldn't have to worry because things were progressing wonderfully. If I haven't gone into labor by my due date, no big deal. We would set another appointment for a week out and see what happens. She said she usually will set an appointment to induce labor right around 42 weeks. She also said that some women didn't mind waiting still but most want this all to be over with by then.

There are many ways to induce labor. I am glad she mentioned this because I was reading about that too. First, it is a long and uncomfortable process to be induced before you are ready. She explained there are signs to look for to make sure that we can move forward and that includes effacement, dilation and softening of the cervix. If that is not ripe, Pitocin will be an uphill battle and may result in a long uncomfortable labor and even C Section.

Other options for inducing include Cervidil, which is a medication that helps thin (efface) the cervix. There is also a balloon like thing they can insert in the cervix that they slowly fill with water that will force you to dilate and should start contractions. The last option works if there are no contractions but the cervix is ready and that is to manually break the water. The last two options sounded pretty good to me. Uncomfortable but good. No drugs.

She also talked about stripping or sweeping the membranes. That is when the doctor manually separates the membrane (water bag) from the cervix. This usually stimulates the release of prostaglandins (the natural form of Cervidil) and helps thin the cervix. Then, after this conversation during the physical exam, she did just that. I only felt pressure. It was fine.

After we left the docs office, I had more contractions but they weren't regular and they weren't very painful. Now almost 48 hours later I'm feeling pretty normal. The fake contractions are getting stronger, I feel like I have cramps. All of this is normal. Things are working downstairs. There I go again. I just have to have faith that my body will do what it should. The rest is up to me to stay calm and patient.