Well, the inevitable happened. The day came. The moment we've all been waiting for. A tiny human was born. My baby vacated my magic uterus. He is born. World, this is Dario. Dario, World.
Right now he is sleeping. If that isn't happening he is eating or having his diaper changed. There are small amounts of time where we visit and I talk to him and he looks at me with big dark blue-grey bloodshot eyes and makes funny faces. I am completely, utterly, obsessively in love.
How did it happen? There was so much time I spent just thinking about all the different ways I could bring him into this world. No matter how much I thought about it, no matter how much I wondered or how many stories I read, nothing could prepare me for the actual day.
It was Saturday night. We went to bed early. Paul wasn't feeling well, he had just come down with a cold. We were both asleep by 8:30 or so. I woke up to use the bathroom a couple of times. Paul woke up with me at about 2:30am. He took some Tylenol and drank some water. His cold was really manifesting itself. It's strange because he's rarely sick. He has only had a cold one, maybe two other times since we met. We joked about how it wasn't convenient to be sick when we were so close to expecting the baby to arrive. Then we talked about how we would need to make a plan to be induced at our appointment on Thursday since nothing was happening. I got up to use the bathroom before we both drifted back to sleep. I felt something funny in my belly and when I got to the bathroom I thought I had already started to pee. Or was it?
Sure, I thought I was a little leaky. No big deal. The baby was napping on my bladder again and he was really running out of room. I could only hold a few tablespoons of urine at a time it seemed. I'm bound to accidentally squeeze some out, right? I went back to bed. I woke up again at about 6:30am. I was wet. I knew I did not wet the bed. I was dreaming of having contractions and doing a great job staying calm and relaxed through each one. I was well rested after about 10 hours of sleep. I knew that my water had broken. It was a slow leak, not the tsunami you see on the movies, but I knew what it was. Just after standing up I started to have some light contractions. This is it. It is? I woke up Paul.
I told him softly that I thought my water had broken, and that I needed to call the childbirth center to see what we needed to do. I told him to take a shower and to get the hospital bag I had packed along with the diaper bag ready. I got dressed, ate a bagel and cream cheese, fed the dogs and called my mom. I told her we'd call her if we were admitted to the hospital and she could come down if she wanted to. I was sitting on a chair on my back porch when I realised I was totally stalling. I didn't really want to go to the hospital. I had hoped that my labor would start and get strong without my water breaking so I could spend all my early labor at home. Oh well, I cannot choose. I just have to go in and see what will happen.
I went back inside and realised I hadn't even called the child birth center yet to tell them we were coming. I called and they said they could check the fluid to see if it was my water and they'd go from there. We put our things in the car and left the house around 7:30am. We got the the hospital before 8am and were in a room talking with a nurse shortly after. She checked and said it was, of course, that my water had broken. They hooked me up to the monitors and saw I was having regular contractions and they were only about 3 minutes apart. She went and called my doctor.
The nurse came back in the room and said she'd called the doc and told her my water had broken, I was having regular contractions that looked strong on the machine but that I couldn't feel them. Couldn't feel them? What? I asked. She said, since I was calm and still able to talk with her that I must not be feeling them. I assured her that I was definitely feeling it, I was just choosing to stay calm and focused. She was surprised and seemed skeptical and took us to a labor and delivery room to get settled. My doctor would be there soon to check me. We called my mom.
When my doctor got there it was just before 11am. I was dealing really well with the contractions. Paul, my mom and I were talking and laughing and just wasting time while we waited. The doc checked and said I was already 6cm dilated. Nice. Everyone was shocked that I was that far along and I wasn't complaining or crying or asking for drugs. This was going to be a piece of cake.
Ha!
To Be Continued...
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Saying Goodbye to My Fetus and Hello to My Baby
 |
| From our birth announcement |
How do they come up with that due date anyway? The doctor calculated from the first day of my last menstrual period 40 weeks out, and that is the date. There are other factors. That date is assuming that I have a 'normal' 28 day cycle. If it's longer than 28 days then the delivery date could be later. When I had my first ultrasound at about 12 weeks the tech said she'd pick my due date for October 19th. They calculate that date by the measurements they take of the baby. My next ultrasound at 20 weeks, the same tech said with these new measurements she would say October 18th.
Here we are, it is October 18th. Maybe today? Maybe tomorrow? Everyone is so anxious. People keep calling, writing, texting. Anything? Anything yet? How about now? Ahhh! It's hard for me, I feel good. Yes I am having some cramping and back pain on and off. I do know I am not currently in active labor and I don't know when this will happen.
This is a struggle for me mentally. On one hand, I want to meet this person that has grown inside of my body. My baby, my son. I want my husband to meet his son. I see how excited he is and I know it will be amazing to see him with this baby. He is not a 'baby guy' but he is already head over heels in love with his son. I want to see what our baby looks like, smells like, how much he weighs, what his cry sounds like. I want to try breastfeeding, changing his diaper, laying him down for bed in his crib. I want to have our dogs meet him. I want to see their reactions. I want to be a mother. I want to make my mother a grandmother. So many positives, so much excitement. So much unknown!
On the other hand, in the beginning I had to really spend a lot of energy deciding to be happy while pregnant. I have tried to enjoy each day, each strange symptom and each new change to my body because I know it is temporary. If I whined and complained the whole time, what a waste it would be! I have really grown comfortable with my baby inside my magic uterus. Felling his movements, his kicks. I know the times of the day when he will be up and active. I start to anticipate his movements and then, there he is. I like getting his hiccups with him. I feel them, just the same motion as when I have them myself, only they are inside my belly and not in my chest and throat. And those hiccups are so tiny and cute. I know when I feel a left foot, right foot a hand or a head. I know when he's sticking his butt out really far and my belly bulges to one side or the other. I know I will miss that. I will miss being able to take him everywhere with me, hands free. Being about to take him to work with me. I've known all along this is temporary, but now that it's time, it is almost sad to let it go.
When our son is born, his infancy will be so temporary. The time when he will be essentially a tiny fetus outside of the womb will last a matter of weeks. Then he will be cooing and smiling and growing bigger. Soon he will be teething, sitting up, standing then walking. Before we know it he will be asking for the keys to the flying car or use of our teleportation machine or whatever kind of transportation we will have in the future. Every moment we have is temporary. Every stage of life is fleeting. We have to savor each moment, even the difficult ones.
I think part of me going into labor needs to be me mourning the loss of my fetus and celebrating the birth of my baby. Mourning the loss of my life with my husband as we know it and celebrating the start of our family. I need to tell him I am ready for him to come out and start the next chapter of his life with us. I need to be okay with sharing my baby with the rest of the world. There is no going back. Right now, I need to come to terms with getting ready to enjoy this birthing experience. This transition to moving him outside of my body. Sure there will be pain they say. There will be blood and gore and hospitals. I will not be scared. I will enjoy every moment of it. This will be the last big party for my fetus and the first big party for our babies birthday.
I'll get out my pointy party hat, streamers and noise makers. I am ready for this. Lets go.
40 Week Doctors Appointment
Our doctors appointment yesterday went
well. I am progressing. I am now 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. (Last week
I was 1cm dilated and 50% effaced). My doctor seems excited. She said that I am moving along quite well. The more effaced that I am when I go into labor the easier it will be.
My doc and I talk about when it will be time to go to the hospital at almost every appointment. She says the contractions should be about 1 minute in length and about 5 minutes apart. They should hold that pattern for about an hour before we go to the hospital. She said the longer I can labor at home the better. She did say however, that those contractions need to be very strong, not just consistent for that to be active labor. She told us that when I start to go, 'oh, okay. I see why people talk about how painful this is." or "Now I get why ladies choose to get an epidural!" then it is time and we should be on the way. A rule of thumb is that if you have to ask yourself if you are in active labor, you are not. You will know.
Our doctor has been doing this a long time. Longer than I have been alive. She told me that nothing can describe the feeling I will have. She had seen a ton of babies born and knew what to expect and seen first hand what women go through and she said she was still surprised when she went into labor with her first born. That prompted me to ask her how many babies she thought she'd delivered. She was quiet for a moment and thought about it. "About 1,000." she said. Wow, how amazing. She has seen it all I am sure. Every style of delivery from emergencies to text book. C Sections, forceps, vacuum, medicated, unmedicated and all the rest I don't even know about.
I feel so lucky to have her on our side. To have known her since I was a kid. To have had her take care of me anytime I was sick growing up. To have had her take care of my mother all these years. and now have her here at this most important time of my life and she will be there for our baby. I feel so lucky to feel so comfortable with our doctor. To have someone so well trained and certified, that is also so intuitive and caring and has so much real world, hands on experience. We are lucky beyond words.
My doc and I talk about when it will be time to go to the hospital at almost every appointment. She says the contractions should be about 1 minute in length and about 5 minutes apart. They should hold that pattern for about an hour before we go to the hospital. She said the longer I can labor at home the better. She did say however, that those contractions need to be very strong, not just consistent for that to be active labor. She told us that when I start to go, 'oh, okay. I see why people talk about how painful this is." or "Now I get why ladies choose to get an epidural!" then it is time and we should be on the way. A rule of thumb is that if you have to ask yourself if you are in active labor, you are not. You will know.
Our doctor has been doing this a long time. Longer than I have been alive. She told me that nothing can describe the feeling I will have. She had seen a ton of babies born and knew what to expect and seen first hand what women go through and she said she was still surprised when she went into labor with her first born. That prompted me to ask her how many babies she thought she'd delivered. She was quiet for a moment and thought about it. "About 1,000." she said. Wow, how amazing. She has seen it all I am sure. Every style of delivery from emergencies to text book. C Sections, forceps, vacuum, medicated, unmedicated and all the rest I don't even know about.
I feel so lucky to have her on our side. To have known her since I was a kid. To have had her take care of me anytime I was sick growing up. To have had her take care of my mother all these years. and now have her here at this most important time of my life and she will be there for our baby. I feel so lucky to feel so comfortable with our doctor. To have someone so well trained and certified, that is also so intuitive and caring and has so much real world, hands on experience. We are lucky beyond words.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Enjoying Killing Time
One more day until my due date. One week off of work already. Waiting feels surreal. Most of every moment is consumed by thoughts of parenthood, baby, infant, son, labor, birth. Questions, not worries, but thoughts and questions. A simple thought and question followed by a long and detailed daydream of what may occur. What if they come out and it's actually a girl? What will we name her? What if I try my hardest and still end up having a c section? What if I feel pressured by hospital staff into using drugs? What if everything goes just as I hope? What if I sneak my dogs into the room with me so we don't have to leave them at home? What if I accidentally poop on the bed? What if this isn't a baby at all and I just have to take a really big dump? What if it's twins? What if it's a puppy? or a whole litter of puppies!!?
This could go on for hours... days. And it has!
So, when will this happen? I could still be waiting another two weeks! I'm starting to understand why a woman would want to be induced after she's gone past her due date instead of waiting. It's not exactly that I'm uncomfortable. Although I am, it is completely bearable. It's not just because I'm impatient, I've already waited this long. It's more because I am waiting for something inevitable but I have no idea or control over when it will come! What else in life is like this? So inevitable, so prolonged and yet, so unpredictable. I cannot think of another time in my life that was anything like this. This waiting. This anticipation. You know what is going to happen but you really know nothing of when or where or the details.This could be maddening if you let it.
Instead I try to clean, cook, walk around. Pet my dogs. Spend time with my husband. Eat, sleep, read, watch TV. I write, I've read every booklet and instruction manual on every new device we got for the baby. Everything we have has been assembled, washed, cleaned, and washed again. Laundry is done, dinner is made for the next three days. I've even made some meals and frozen them so we have healthy delicious choices when we are tired after coming home from the hospital.
My husband is on call, his phone is charged. He is ready to go. I know he is excited. He is eager. He wants to meet his first born. He has been hoping for this for 3 weeks! I'm sorry, I wish I could deliver. Haha, Pun intended.
Still I'll wait. Now I'll shower, get dressed and go somewhere. I will try to take my mind off the waiting for the unknown. I will walk around in a store, go to a park and maybe bake some cookies later. Don't forget the nap.
This could go on for hours... days. And it has!
So, when will this happen? I could still be waiting another two weeks! I'm starting to understand why a woman would want to be induced after she's gone past her due date instead of waiting. It's not exactly that I'm uncomfortable. Although I am, it is completely bearable. It's not just because I'm impatient, I've already waited this long. It's more because I am waiting for something inevitable but I have no idea or control over when it will come! What else in life is like this? So inevitable, so prolonged and yet, so unpredictable. I cannot think of another time in my life that was anything like this. This waiting. This anticipation. You know what is going to happen but you really know nothing of when or where or the details.This could be maddening if you let it.
Instead I try to clean, cook, walk around. Pet my dogs. Spend time with my husband. Eat, sleep, read, watch TV. I write, I've read every booklet and instruction manual on every new device we got for the baby. Everything we have has been assembled, washed, cleaned, and washed again. Laundry is done, dinner is made for the next three days. I've even made some meals and frozen them so we have healthy delicious choices when we are tired after coming home from the hospital.
My husband is on call, his phone is charged. He is ready to go. I know he is excited. He is eager. He wants to meet his first born. He has been hoping for this for 3 weeks! I'm sorry, I wish I could deliver. Haha, Pun intended.
Still I'll wait. Now I'll shower, get dressed and go somewhere. I will try to take my mind off the waiting for the unknown. I will walk around in a store, go to a park and maybe bake some cookies later. Don't forget the nap.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
39 Week Check Up / What About Induction?
We went to the doctors on Thursday. My 39 week check up. There again was a healthy baby heartbeat. It has been many times we have heard that rhythmic sound but it does not get old or boring. It does, however, get old to have to wait for the doctor sitting on a piece of butcher paper with no pants on with a giant napkin for a blanket covering my lap. But hey, what can you do?
So, blood pressure was good, baby's heartbeat was good and no other bad symptoms or warning signs of trouble. I can tell that the little fella has dropped down some in the last two weeks and I am starting to feel kind of crampy. Like it's that time of the month or something. I am also having some lower back pain. My braxton hicks contractions are getting stronger and more uncomfortable. So there we are at the doctors for her to tell me what we've all been waiting for. Anything happening down there?
She checked me and said that I was a centimeter dialated. Really? Yes! Something is happening. She said that my cervix was softening and thinning but I could still have a ways to go. My doctor always says "I don't think it will be tomorrow, it still looks like you're right on track for your due date, but you never know!" with a big smile. "I'll be around this weekend so I'm ready whenever you are." She's such a great lady. I feel so lucky to have a doctor like her..
This appointment was a huge relief. I had been having some worries about the possibility of having to be induced. I know that is strange, since I've never been told that I would have to, we'd barely even talked about it. I just know that I feel pretty fine still and my due date is a week away, will they just want to cut me open a minute after midnight on the 17th if nothing is happening yet? Scary thought.
I know, as I've mentioned before, I do not want to have to take any drugs during labor. I especially do not want Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of Oxytocin, a hormone the body naturally produces that plays a large part in labor and birth. It's the hormone that gets contractions going and it naturally acts as a pain reliever and provides that uphoric feeling after birth that helps the mother bond with the baby. As I understand it, Pitocin brings on contractions that are stronger than what you would have on your own. They have to keep increasing the dose until the contractions have a 'normal' pattern. It is said that Pitocin contractions are more painful and the epidural rate is much higher in mothers who have been given Pitocin, as is the C Section rate. All that leaves me wondering, how does this feel to the fetus? Stronger contractions coming on suddenly before everything else is ripe and ready on it's own. Sounds uncomfortable.
So I asked my doctor directly. If I do not go into labor on my own by my due date, what is our back up plan? I am worried about induction and, as you know I do not want medication. That definitely includes Pitocin. My doc's answer was great. She told me that I probably wouldn't have to worry because things were progressing wonderfully. If I haven't gone into labor by my due date, no big deal. We would set another appointment for a week out and see what happens. She said she usually will set an appointment to induce labor right around 42 weeks. She also said that some women didn't mind waiting still but most want this all to be over with by then.
There are many ways to induce labor. I am glad she mentioned this because I was reading about that too. First, it is a long and uncomfortable process to be induced before you are ready. She explained there are signs to look for to make sure that we can move forward and that includes effacement, dilation and softening of the cervix. If that is not ripe, Pitocin will be an uphill battle and may result in a long uncomfortable labor and even C Section.
Other options for inducing include Cervidil, which is a medication that helps thin (efface) the cervix. There is also a balloon like thing they can insert in the cervix that they slowly fill with water that will force you to dilate and should start contractions. The last option works if there are no contractions but the cervix is ready and that is to manually break the water. The last two options sounded pretty good to me. Uncomfortable but good. No drugs.
She also talked about stripping or sweeping the membranes. That is when the doctor manually separates the membrane (water bag) from the cervix. This usually stimulates the release of prostaglandins (the natural form of Cervidil) and helps thin the cervix. Then, after this conversation during the physical exam, she did just that. I only felt pressure. It was fine.
After we left the docs office, I had more contractions but they weren't regular and they weren't very painful. Now almost 48 hours later I'm feeling pretty normal. The fake contractions are getting stronger, I feel like I have cramps. All of this is normal. Things are working downstairs. There I go again. I just have to have faith that my body will do what it should. The rest is up to me to stay calm and patient.
So, blood pressure was good, baby's heartbeat was good and no other bad symptoms or warning signs of trouble. I can tell that the little fella has dropped down some in the last two weeks and I am starting to feel kind of crampy. Like it's that time of the month or something. I am also having some lower back pain. My braxton hicks contractions are getting stronger and more uncomfortable. So there we are at the doctors for her to tell me what we've all been waiting for. Anything happening down there?
She checked me and said that I was a centimeter dialated. Really? Yes! Something is happening. She said that my cervix was softening and thinning but I could still have a ways to go. My doctor always says "I don't think it will be tomorrow, it still looks like you're right on track for your due date, but you never know!" with a big smile. "I'll be around this weekend so I'm ready whenever you are." She's such a great lady. I feel so lucky to have a doctor like her..
This appointment was a huge relief. I had been having some worries about the possibility of having to be induced. I know that is strange, since I've never been told that I would have to, we'd barely even talked about it. I just know that I feel pretty fine still and my due date is a week away, will they just want to cut me open a minute after midnight on the 17th if nothing is happening yet? Scary thought.
I know, as I've mentioned before, I do not want to have to take any drugs during labor. I especially do not want Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of Oxytocin, a hormone the body naturally produces that plays a large part in labor and birth. It's the hormone that gets contractions going and it naturally acts as a pain reliever and provides that uphoric feeling after birth that helps the mother bond with the baby. As I understand it, Pitocin brings on contractions that are stronger than what you would have on your own. They have to keep increasing the dose until the contractions have a 'normal' pattern. It is said that Pitocin contractions are more painful and the epidural rate is much higher in mothers who have been given Pitocin, as is the C Section rate. All that leaves me wondering, how does this feel to the fetus? Stronger contractions coming on suddenly before everything else is ripe and ready on it's own. Sounds uncomfortable.
So I asked my doctor directly. If I do not go into labor on my own by my due date, what is our back up plan? I am worried about induction and, as you know I do not want medication. That definitely includes Pitocin. My doc's answer was great. She told me that I probably wouldn't have to worry because things were progressing wonderfully. If I haven't gone into labor by my due date, no big deal. We would set another appointment for a week out and see what happens. She said she usually will set an appointment to induce labor right around 42 weeks. She also said that some women didn't mind waiting still but most want this all to be over with by then.
There are many ways to induce labor. I am glad she mentioned this because I was reading about that too. First, it is a long and uncomfortable process to be induced before you are ready. She explained there are signs to look for to make sure that we can move forward and that includes effacement, dilation and softening of the cervix. If that is not ripe, Pitocin will be an uphill battle and may result in a long uncomfortable labor and even C Section.
Other options for inducing include Cervidil, which is a medication that helps thin (efface) the cervix. There is also a balloon like thing they can insert in the cervix that they slowly fill with water that will force you to dilate and should start contractions. The last option works if there are no contractions but the cervix is ready and that is to manually break the water. The last two options sounded pretty good to me. Uncomfortable but good. No drugs.
She also talked about stripping or sweeping the membranes. That is when the doctor manually separates the membrane (water bag) from the cervix. This usually stimulates the release of prostaglandins (the natural form of Cervidil) and helps thin the cervix. Then, after this conversation during the physical exam, she did just that. I only felt pressure. It was fine.
After we left the docs office, I had more contractions but they weren't regular and they weren't very painful. Now almost 48 hours later I'm feeling pretty normal. The fake contractions are getting stronger, I feel like I have cramps. All of this is normal. Things are working downstairs. There I go again. I just have to have faith that my body will do what it should. The rest is up to me to stay calm and patient.
Friday, October 11, 2013
39 Weeks & 1 Day / Body After Baby?
Whoa, less than one week to go until my due date. That is unbelievable. The closer I get, the more I think that date doesn't really mean as much as I thought it did. I am pretty darn sure the due date is as close as it can get to correct. My monthly cycle was like clockwork and I found out I was pregnant right away so I know the first day of my last period. This is not some guess from an ultrasound tech, although they did confirm they believed I would be due on 10/19, just 2 days later. Even still, this is just a guess. You are considered full term anywhere from 37-42 weeks. This can really happen any day now, or maybe not for another three weeks!
Did anyone ever stop and think about this and use their math skills? People say you are pregnant for nine months. They calculate you're due date 40 weeks out. There are 4 weeks in a month. 40 divided by 4 is 10. That means 40 weeks equals 10 months. Pregnant for TEN months. How is that?
Well I understand now, although it seems confusing. Week 1 is the week you had your last period. Week 2 is waiting for your egg to drop down from your ovarie. Somewhere in the end of week 2 or the beginning of week 3 is when your egg was fertilized and somewhere in week 4 that fertilized egg implanted itself into the uterus. A few days after implantation you will be able to get a positive home pregnancy test because of the hormones coursing through your body. All that 'work' in month one and you weren't carrying yet, still they count those weeks as 1 through 4.
Okay. So then you are tired and most likely nauseous. If you are like me you are extremely tired and a little nauseous. The next 12 weeks after implantation where exhausting. Hey, what can I say, I was building a new organ for gods sake. A placenta. This valuable piece of meat will convert my blood into usable food, blood and oxygen that my fetus needs to survive. Not to mention that during that time my body actually made more blood. That's right, I doubled the volume of blood I had in my body. That's pretty amazing too.
Then I have a placenta and a nice warm watery womb for a baby to grow up in. Things got a little easier after that. The placenta starting doing some of the heavy lifting. I wasn't so tired, the fog lifted. Looking at a ham steak or a raw piece of chicken didn't make me cry anymore and bedtime was no longer by 7pm. Maybe I'd survive the rest of this journey after all.
I have to say the rest of this pregnancy has been pretty easy compared to that first part. Other than the heartburn and sleepless nights. All of it is tolerable though. But wow, how my body has changed. I have a human living inside of me. A full term baby right now. My stomach is stretched beyond any imaginable limit, the number on the scale is at an all time high (although, not much more than my previous heaviest weight) and my hips feel like my legs may fall out of my pelvic sockets at any moment, leaving me dragging my torso across the floor with my arms. It's almost like walking on stilts.
So how will I recover from this? I'm sure every woman wonders this when she is pregnant. What will my body be like after this is all over? My body was not perfect, but it was familiar, it was mine. Now I can excuse any of it's strangeness because I am temporarily sharing it with another tenant, but what next?
I worry a little, because I've always been pretty hard on myself. This last nine months have very much been an exception to that rule. I've really learned to love my body as I learned about all the amazing achievements it was making on its own. I've just been along for the ride. Sure I've taken good care of this body, with food and some exercise, enough water and sleep. Really it did most of the work on it's own. Now what? Do I trust it still to make the proper changes. That my skin will be elastic enough to mostly shrink back. That my body will adjust and lose the weight I gained. Should I trust that this body can make enough food to sustain this new life it just expelled? I guess I should.
This body has given me no reason to doubt it in the last nine months. Come to think of it, it has given me no reason to doubt it in my entire life. I think I was just confused and distrusting before. I did not truly understand what health was and I was surely not helped by the governments BMI charts and their insistence of an obesity epidemic, the media's view of what a woman should look like or society's idea of what it must mean if you are overweight (lazy, boring, unintelligent). I think it's time I shred those preconceptions and junk science and try things differently this time.
I will not go on a diet. I will not restrict one certain kind of food. It will not be time for a juice fast, a raw vegan lifestyle or a meat and cheese forget the carbs binge. I will not buy the newest diet book, The Zone, South Beach, Paleo Diet, Atkins, Forks Over Knives, Engine 2, or Eat To Live. I will not shop the health food isle and buy overpriced processed products made from chemicals assembled to simulate food and nutrients. I will not join WeightWatchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrasystem or any gym or health club.
Well what will I do then? For those of you who know me, you may know I've tried most of those things. I've lost the same 50lbs about 4 times. I have read all of those diet books. I have religiously gone to WeightWatchers meetings once a week for a year at a time. I started to diet at about 12 years old. I was active, healthy, involved in sports, played outside and loved life. Why did I think my body was failing? It was not. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I wouldn't have started to diet then, would I have ever gained as much weight as I did? Dieting doesn't work. You might lose weight, but it is always temporary and usually its returned with a few more pounds then you had to begin with. Sometimes a diet can make you sick, make you weak and tired and really hurt you.
Does this mean I will sustain myself on frozen burritos and hamburger helper? Absolutely not. I like real food. It is what tastes good to me. I want a salad, or a half of an acorn squash. I want that chicken breast with rice and veggies. Not dieting doesn't have to mean shoving processed food into your face in front of a TV twelve hours a day. Actually, I think that is a form of dieting. That is not a natural way to eat either. It is not natural to override your body's signals telling you that you are full.
I will try instead to move forward and listen to my body. If I am hungry, I will eat. If I am thirsty, I will drink. When I am satisfied I will stop eating and when I am tired I will sleep. I will eat a wide variety of foods, always including my favorite veggies and fruits. I will walk places and enjoy the outside with my new baby and my dogs. Most of all, I want to continue being happy. I will not feel guilt if I eat some chips, ice cream or some meat. I am living. This is what it is to be human. What my body does with this is genetics. It is natural. I will not be Kate Moss or Laura Flynn Boyle, nor did I ever want to be. I will be healthy and happy and that is how I will be a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good employee, a good friend and a good person.
Did anyone ever stop and think about this and use their math skills? People say you are pregnant for nine months. They calculate you're due date 40 weeks out. There are 4 weeks in a month. 40 divided by 4 is 10. That means 40 weeks equals 10 months. Pregnant for TEN months. How is that?
Well I understand now, although it seems confusing. Week 1 is the week you had your last period. Week 2 is waiting for your egg to drop down from your ovarie. Somewhere in the end of week 2 or the beginning of week 3 is when your egg was fertilized and somewhere in week 4 that fertilized egg implanted itself into the uterus. A few days after implantation you will be able to get a positive home pregnancy test because of the hormones coursing through your body. All that 'work' in month one and you weren't carrying yet, still they count those weeks as 1 through 4.
Okay. So then you are tired and most likely nauseous. If you are like me you are extremely tired and a little nauseous. The next 12 weeks after implantation where exhausting. Hey, what can I say, I was building a new organ for gods sake. A placenta. This valuable piece of meat will convert my blood into usable food, blood and oxygen that my fetus needs to survive. Not to mention that during that time my body actually made more blood. That's right, I doubled the volume of blood I had in my body. That's pretty amazing too.
Then I have a placenta and a nice warm watery womb for a baby to grow up in. Things got a little easier after that. The placenta starting doing some of the heavy lifting. I wasn't so tired, the fog lifted. Looking at a ham steak or a raw piece of chicken didn't make me cry anymore and bedtime was no longer by 7pm. Maybe I'd survive the rest of this journey after all.
I have to say the rest of this pregnancy has been pretty easy compared to that first part. Other than the heartburn and sleepless nights. All of it is tolerable though. But wow, how my body has changed. I have a human living inside of me. A full term baby right now. My stomach is stretched beyond any imaginable limit, the number on the scale is at an all time high (although, not much more than my previous heaviest weight) and my hips feel like my legs may fall out of my pelvic sockets at any moment, leaving me dragging my torso across the floor with my arms. It's almost like walking on stilts.
So how will I recover from this? I'm sure every woman wonders this when she is pregnant. What will my body be like after this is all over? My body was not perfect, but it was familiar, it was mine. Now I can excuse any of it's strangeness because I am temporarily sharing it with another tenant, but what next?
I worry a little, because I've always been pretty hard on myself. This last nine months have very much been an exception to that rule. I've really learned to love my body as I learned about all the amazing achievements it was making on its own. I've just been along for the ride. Sure I've taken good care of this body, with food and some exercise, enough water and sleep. Really it did most of the work on it's own. Now what? Do I trust it still to make the proper changes. That my skin will be elastic enough to mostly shrink back. That my body will adjust and lose the weight I gained. Should I trust that this body can make enough food to sustain this new life it just expelled? I guess I should.
This body has given me no reason to doubt it in the last nine months. Come to think of it, it has given me no reason to doubt it in my entire life. I think I was just confused and distrusting before. I did not truly understand what health was and I was surely not helped by the governments BMI charts and their insistence of an obesity epidemic, the media's view of what a woman should look like or society's idea of what it must mean if you are overweight (lazy, boring, unintelligent). I think it's time I shred those preconceptions and junk science and try things differently this time.
I will not go on a diet. I will not restrict one certain kind of food. It will not be time for a juice fast, a raw vegan lifestyle or a meat and cheese forget the carbs binge. I will not buy the newest diet book, The Zone, South Beach, Paleo Diet, Atkins, Forks Over Knives, Engine 2, or Eat To Live. I will not shop the health food isle and buy overpriced processed products made from chemicals assembled to simulate food and nutrients. I will not join WeightWatchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrasystem or any gym or health club.
Well what will I do then? For those of you who know me, you may know I've tried most of those things. I've lost the same 50lbs about 4 times. I have read all of those diet books. I have religiously gone to WeightWatchers meetings once a week for a year at a time. I started to diet at about 12 years old. I was active, healthy, involved in sports, played outside and loved life. Why did I think my body was failing? It was not. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I wouldn't have started to diet then, would I have ever gained as much weight as I did? Dieting doesn't work. You might lose weight, but it is always temporary and usually its returned with a few more pounds then you had to begin with. Sometimes a diet can make you sick, make you weak and tired and really hurt you.
Does this mean I will sustain myself on frozen burritos and hamburger helper? Absolutely not. I like real food. It is what tastes good to me. I want a salad, or a half of an acorn squash. I want that chicken breast with rice and veggies. Not dieting doesn't have to mean shoving processed food into your face in front of a TV twelve hours a day. Actually, I think that is a form of dieting. That is not a natural way to eat either. It is not natural to override your body's signals telling you that you are full.
I will try instead to move forward and listen to my body. If I am hungry, I will eat. If I am thirsty, I will drink. When I am satisfied I will stop eating and when I am tired I will sleep. I will eat a wide variety of foods, always including my favorite veggies and fruits. I will walk places and enjoy the outside with my new baby and my dogs. Most of all, I want to continue being happy. I will not feel guilt if I eat some chips, ice cream or some meat. I am living. This is what it is to be human. What my body does with this is genetics. It is natural. I will not be Kate Moss or Laura Flynn Boyle, nor did I ever want to be. I will be healthy and happy and that is how I will be a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good employee, a good friend and a good person.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Goodbye for Now, Little Body Shop/ Sick Day
Today (Tuesday 10/8) was my last day of work for a while. It feels really strange and surreal. Last Friday 10/4 was supposed to be my last day, but with a coworker on vacation I said I'd make it in until he was back To work Wednesday morning. So, I went in Monday. I did some paperwork, caught up my coworkers on some stuff and left for the day before noon. I'm trying to ease into this. Today I woke up early, at 4:30am when my husbands alarm went off. He was gone by 5am but I did not fall back to sleep.
I stayed in bed listening to Earwolf's Comedy Bang Bang podcast and laughing. Not a bad way to wake up at all. Cozy, hysterical and add my loving dog Snorp to this picture snuggling up next to me and it's pure bliss. Something felt off though. When I got up, I just felt off. No, could this be? Is it finally happening?
I have caught the cold that was going around! Noooo!
Everyone has been sick at work, no one stays home. I've been diligent about washing my hands and not putting any of the ball point pens in my mouth. But to no avail. I am sick. What a bummer. This is not something I want, or thought I'd have to deal with right now. This was not a part of my birth plan. HA!
I went to work anyway, thinking maybe this cold thing was just a false alarm. Sometimes in the morning I may feel stuffy, but once I get moving around I'm good. I got to work and was sneezing and sniffing and no, this is a cold. It's official. I caught up the paperwork and told my boss I would need to take a sick day to get over this cold so I can go have a baby. That, of course, was just fine.
I went back to our break room for our 10am body shop meeting. All the guys were back there and I said a formal farewell and see you soon. They all got a few more questions in and a few more tips on birth. I love hearing 2cents on labor and delivery from 50 year old men. They remember what it was like when their kids were born 20 plus years ago and what their wives went through. Never mind that things may have changed or that each experience is different. I love it. 'Go for a C Section, you'll be done in an hour.' or 'Make sure you get that back shot thing before it's too late.' or 'No, you're gonna want the drugs.'
I like to tell them I'll get my drugs in a doggy bag and save them for a Saturday night. They liked that. I also told them it was okay if they were threatened by my toughness. I told them they could stop by the hospital when I was in labor and we could arm wrestle and chew tobacco.
Lots of things I've read talk about how mad women get when people tell them what they are planning is wrong. If they want an epi someone is telling them to do a natural home birth. If they want to drugs someone is telling them they won't survive without a spinal block. If they have a scheduled C Section someone is telling them that you can have infection and it will be bad for the baby. This is life. It's annoying and constant. Get over it. You can't control what opinions are thrown at you. Don't let it upset you, you do have control over that. If you're not sure about something, do some non biased research and come up with your own opinion. Sometimes your opinion may change, be flexible. Don't let people upset you just because they think differently than you do.
The other day, I was on the phone with a very familiar repeat customer. She is known for being overly chatty. There she was, chatting away and she got out of me that I was taking time off to have a baby. She told me 'Oh, make sure you have them give you the epidural before it's too late.' I told her I was trying to go without medication. 'Oh, no. If you have back labor like I did you WOULD DIE. You can't do that. You'll NEED an epidural. Make sure you get one. Tell them that I told you you'd need one before it is too late.'
'Well, we'll see' Is all I said, thankfully I was on the phone so I could roll my eyes too. It feels good. I don't have to get upset or let this ruin my day, scare me or change my plans but shit yes, I will roll my eyes. It's funny, I've thought a lot about this topic and this person is just assuming I know nothing about anything and her experience over 30 years ago was more valid than any other documentation on the subject. Oh, people. Sheesh.
That is okay, people can have their opinions no matter how stupid or invalid they might be. I can chose to agree or disagree. I can choose to get upset and angry or I can choose to laugh. Usually, I choose to laugh. Laugh at myself and others. It's all funny. We can read and plan and remember past experiences all we want but we can't control the future.
I stayed in bed listening to Earwolf's Comedy Bang Bang podcast and laughing. Not a bad way to wake up at all. Cozy, hysterical and add my loving dog Snorp to this picture snuggling up next to me and it's pure bliss. Something felt off though. When I got up, I just felt off. No, could this be? Is it finally happening?
I have caught the cold that was going around! Noooo!
Everyone has been sick at work, no one stays home. I've been diligent about washing my hands and not putting any of the ball point pens in my mouth. But to no avail. I am sick. What a bummer. This is not something I want, or thought I'd have to deal with right now. This was not a part of my birth plan. HA!
I went to work anyway, thinking maybe this cold thing was just a false alarm. Sometimes in the morning I may feel stuffy, but once I get moving around I'm good. I got to work and was sneezing and sniffing and no, this is a cold. It's official. I caught up the paperwork and told my boss I would need to take a sick day to get over this cold so I can go have a baby. That, of course, was just fine.
I went back to our break room for our 10am body shop meeting. All the guys were back there and I said a formal farewell and see you soon. They all got a few more questions in and a few more tips on birth. I love hearing 2cents on labor and delivery from 50 year old men. They remember what it was like when their kids were born 20 plus years ago and what their wives went through. Never mind that things may have changed or that each experience is different. I love it. 'Go for a C Section, you'll be done in an hour.' or 'Make sure you get that back shot thing before it's too late.' or 'No, you're gonna want the drugs.'
I like to tell them I'll get my drugs in a doggy bag and save them for a Saturday night. They liked that. I also told them it was okay if they were threatened by my toughness. I told them they could stop by the hospital when I was in labor and we could arm wrestle and chew tobacco.
Lots of things I've read talk about how mad women get when people tell them what they are planning is wrong. If they want an epi someone is telling them to do a natural home birth. If they want to drugs someone is telling them they won't survive without a spinal block. If they have a scheduled C Section someone is telling them that you can have infection and it will be bad for the baby. This is life. It's annoying and constant. Get over it. You can't control what opinions are thrown at you. Don't let it upset you, you do have control over that. If you're not sure about something, do some non biased research and come up with your own opinion. Sometimes your opinion may change, be flexible. Don't let people upset you just because they think differently than you do.
The other day, I was on the phone with a very familiar repeat customer. She is known for being overly chatty. There she was, chatting away and she got out of me that I was taking time off to have a baby. She told me 'Oh, make sure you have them give you the epidural before it's too late.' I told her I was trying to go without medication. 'Oh, no. If you have back labor like I did you WOULD DIE. You can't do that. You'll NEED an epidural. Make sure you get one. Tell them that I told you you'd need one before it is too late.'
'Well, we'll see' Is all I said, thankfully I was on the phone so I could roll my eyes too. It feels good. I don't have to get upset or let this ruin my day, scare me or change my plans but shit yes, I will roll my eyes. It's funny, I've thought a lot about this topic and this person is just assuming I know nothing about anything and her experience over 30 years ago was more valid than any other documentation on the subject. Oh, people. Sheesh.
That is okay, people can have their opinions no matter how stupid or invalid they might be. I can chose to agree or disagree. I can choose to get upset and angry or I can choose to laugh. Usually, I choose to laugh. Laugh at myself and others. It's all funny. We can read and plan and remember past experiences all we want but we can't control the future.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
38 Weeks and 3 days, Preparing for Labor
I guess I need to start saying that. 'If I am not in labor'. I think I'll go to the grocery store in the morning, if I am not in labor. Ooh, I want to cook that barley and butternut squash recipe I read about, if I am not in labor. I think tonight will be a great night to sleep, if I am not in labor!
We went to the doc's again on Thursday, that was day 1 of 38 weeks. She told me that things are progressing the way they should be. The baby has moved down some since the last time she checked me two weeks before. He is still head down and butt out front and my cervix is softening but not quite dilated yet. So she doesn't predict an early delivery, but you never know!
My doctor is very honest and realistic. She knows that the body will do what it wants to and while there are many factors that she can count on as good predictors, there is no sure way to say when I will go into labor. We talked more about choosing to forgo the drugs during birth. My doctor spoke more straight forward than ever.
"The more natural you can go, the more likely you will have a shorter and successful vaginal birth. The epidural rate has risen over the years and so has the cesarean rate. There is something to that. Your labor might not hurt as bad with an epidural but you won't be able to move around and it will slow things down a lot. If you can do without that and keep moving you will have a much better chance that things will keep progressing well and move forward faster. If you need a break, take IV pain meds and try to sleep for a little bit. Remember, this cannot last forever. This is a marathon, your marathon, into motherhood."
How great it was to hear all that. There is the conclusion I have come to in all the reading I have done. I CAN do this without drugs. It is only temporary and it is only pain and discomfort. I WANT to do this without drugs. I don't care at all what you did for your labor. This isn't for anyone else to compare to. This is MY marathon into motherhood. MINE. I have control over myself, and if I do change my mind when I'm there, who gives a shit. That is my decision to make, I should not feel bad or like a failure. If I should have to have a C section, I did not fail at giving birth. If the end result is three living family members in the room instead of the two that walked in, then we have succeeded.
I feel lucky that my husband, partner, best friend is so supportive. I get a lot of "Well, if you don't want drugs I think that is pretty cool. If anyone could do this it is you, Lanni. and if you do change you're mind, we are at the hospital and all we have to do is ask."
He has also been randomly giving me compliments about how well I've been handling pregnancy. That makes me proud that he is noticing that I am not a wussy or a whiner. Usually, wussies and whiners get all the attention. The squeaky wheel gets the grease right?
I have had no shortage of uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms but I've chosen not to focus on them and make them worse. I am choosing not to make them bigger than they are. Paul has noticed. He noticed that it must be tough to carry this extra and awkward weight, it must not be much fun dealing with around the clock heartburn and shortness of breath. He knows it probably would suck to have to get up five times a night to pee. While I talk about those things sometimes, it's mostly to joke about and not to cry about. I am glad someone has noticed. No this isn't easy, but it is most defiantly tolerable.
Only time will tell how this will go. I burned my birth plan and instead will bring my confidence, flexibility and resilience. I will not have tight restrictions on what others can or cannot do. I will not try to tell the weather I am demanding 55 degrees and sunny. I will go into this with the understanding that I will control the only thing I actually have control over: the way I react to any given situation. This is my marathon into motherhood.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
37 Weeks Plus, Still Waiting/Birth Plan
37 weeks and 5 days. 17 days to go until our due date. Still Waiting.
Everything is going quite well. I am still working full time, I am still able to do most things. I am having a harder time bending over and lifting things. I suppose I shouldn't be doing that anyway, so yeah. I'm learning to ask for help, which to be honest, has been tough. Sleep hasn't been without interruptions. I've been used to the get up and pee every few hours thing, but now I'm waking up to the baby rolling around and having a harder time falling back to sleep. It's okay really, I'm not that groggy when I get going in the morning. I do, however get tired earlier in the day than I used to. No coffee to help me along either.
All of this is very normal and bearable. I also realize it's preparing me for being roused from my peaceful slumber to feed and care for a new born. I'm getting good at it. The waking up part, only time will tell for the rest.
The strange part is waiting. Waiting for something I'm pretty unsure about. I am pretty sure of the final outcome. I know I will have a baby. I just know how it will start, or progress. This is my first time and I don't really know what I'm waiting for exactly. How will this happen? Nobody knows. It's different for everyone. Still waiting...
I've read enough that I know what might happen, or should happen. But every piece of information that I read also says how it is different for everyone, with every pregnancy. 'Results Not Typical'. That is why my birth plan has gotten shorter and shorter and now seems insignificant. Everything you read now, and every new mom I've talked to asks 'What is your birth plan?' 'Do you have a birth plan ready yet?' And I'm like, what the hell is a birth plan? Yes, I plan to give birth!!!
Read this controversial and possibly offensive article written by a medical doctor on the subject of birth plans. Oh yes, the author is also a woman.
Birth Plans: Worse Than Useless
Well turns out it's a newer and now very important birth plan is pushed pretty hard if you are leaning toward the hopes of a natural birth. And what does that even really mean anyway. I am pretty set that I don't want any drugs. No pain medication that is. I don't want IV narcotics because I don't want my baby to have narcotics. I don't want an epidural for a much more selfish reason. I am much less afraid of the pain I will experience than I am of the idea of someone shoving a huge needle into my spine causing me to lose all feeling in my legs. It will also make me immobile. What if there is finally that zombie apocalypse that I've been planning for? I don't think I'll be able to run. What if there is a bear loose in the Child Birth Center? What then? In all seriousness, I just don't want that huge needle jammed in and I want to be able to move about the cabin. But, if there is an emergency and I need a C section, than so be it. I know I'll need to be numb for that!
So here is my birth plan:
I wish to deliver a baby from the inside of my body to the outside, hopefully by way of my vagina and without pain medication, but ultimately, by any means necessary. Thanks for your help!
Does that really need to be written down or can my husband and I just tell the nurse that when they offer me drugs? Believe me, I've gotten really good at turning drugs down in my lifetime, especially in the last nine months.
Everything is going quite well. I am still working full time, I am still able to do most things. I am having a harder time bending over and lifting things. I suppose I shouldn't be doing that anyway, so yeah. I'm learning to ask for help, which to be honest, has been tough. Sleep hasn't been without interruptions. I've been used to the get up and pee every few hours thing, but now I'm waking up to the baby rolling around and having a harder time falling back to sleep. It's okay really, I'm not that groggy when I get going in the morning. I do, however get tired earlier in the day than I used to. No coffee to help me along either.
All of this is very normal and bearable. I also realize it's preparing me for being roused from my peaceful slumber to feed and care for a new born. I'm getting good at it. The waking up part, only time will tell for the rest.
The strange part is waiting. Waiting for something I'm pretty unsure about. I am pretty sure of the final outcome. I know I will have a baby. I just know how it will start, or progress. This is my first time and I don't really know what I'm waiting for exactly. How will this happen? Nobody knows. It's different for everyone. Still waiting...
Read this controversial and possibly offensive article written by a medical doctor on the subject of birth plans. Oh yes, the author is also a woman.
Birth Plans: Worse Than Useless
Well turns out it's a newer and now very important birth plan is pushed pretty hard if you are leaning toward the hopes of a natural birth. And what does that even really mean anyway. I am pretty set that I don't want any drugs. No pain medication that is. I don't want IV narcotics because I don't want my baby to have narcotics. I don't want an epidural for a much more selfish reason. I am much less afraid of the pain I will experience than I am of the idea of someone shoving a huge needle into my spine causing me to lose all feeling in my legs. It will also make me immobile. What if there is finally that zombie apocalypse that I've been planning for? I don't think I'll be able to run. What if there is a bear loose in the Child Birth Center? What then? In all seriousness, I just don't want that huge needle jammed in and I want to be able to move about the cabin. But, if there is an emergency and I need a C section, than so be it. I know I'll need to be numb for that!
So here is my birth plan:
I wish to deliver a baby from the inside of my body to the outside, hopefully by way of my vagina and without pain medication, but ultimately, by any means necessary. Thanks for your help!
Does that really need to be written down or can my husband and I just tell the nurse that when they offer me drugs? Believe me, I've gotten really good at turning drugs down in my lifetime, especially in the last nine months.
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