Saying Goodbye to My Fetus and Hello to My Baby

From our birth announcement

So, today is October 18th, 2013. Yesterday was my babies due date. Yesterday was a date that I had looked forward to for nine months. Although I've known all along that a due date is just the best educated guess, and it is more likely to give birth in the two weeks before or the two weeks following that date than it is to give birth on that date, I still held on to some hope. Statistically, I think it's only about 5% on women that go into labor on their due date.

How do they come up with that due date anyway? The doctor calculated from the first day of my last menstrual period 40 weeks out, and that is the date. There are other factors. That date is assuming that I have a 'normal' 28 day cycle. If it's longer than 28 days then the delivery date could be later. When I had my first ultrasound at about 12 weeks the tech said she'd pick my due date for October 19th. They calculate that date by the measurements they take of the baby. My next ultrasound at 20 weeks, the same tech said with these new measurements she would say October 18th.

Here we are, it is October 18th. Maybe today? Maybe tomorrow? Everyone is so anxious. People keep calling, writing, texting. Anything? Anything yet? How about now? Ahhh! It's hard for me, I feel good. Yes I am having some cramping and back pain on and off. I do know I am not currently in active labor and I don't know when this will happen.

This is a struggle for me mentally. On one hand, I want to meet this person that has grown inside of my body. My baby, my son. I want my husband to meet his son. I see how excited he is and I know it will be amazing to see him with this baby. He is not a 'baby guy' but he is already head over heels in love with his son. I want to see what our baby looks like, smells like, how much he weighs, what his cry sounds like. I want to try breastfeeding, changing his diaper, laying him down for bed in his crib. I want to have our dogs meet him. I want to see their reactions. I want to be a mother. I want to make my mother a grandmother. So many positives, so much excitement. So much unknown!

On the other hand, in the beginning I had to really spend a lot of energy deciding to be happy while pregnant. I have tried to enjoy each day, each strange symptom and each new change to my body because I know it is temporary. If I whined and complained the whole time, what a waste it would be! I have really grown comfortable with my baby inside my magic uterus. Felling his movements, his kicks. I know the times of the day when he will be up and active. I start to anticipate his movements and then, there he is. I like getting his hiccups with him. I feel them, just the same motion as when I have them myself, only they are inside my belly and not in my chest and throat. And those hiccups are so tiny and cute. I know when I feel a left foot, right foot a hand or a head. I know when he's sticking his butt out really far and my belly bulges to one side or the other. I know I will miss that. I will miss being able to take him everywhere with me, hands free. Being about to take him to work with me. I've known all along this is temporary, but now that it's time, it is almost sad to let it go.

When our son is born, his infancy will be so temporary. The time when he will be essentially a tiny fetus outside of the womb will last a matter of weeks. Then he will be cooing and smiling and growing bigger. Soon he will be teething, sitting up, standing then walking. Before we know it he will be asking for the keys to the flying car or use of our teleportation machine or whatever kind of transportation we will have in the future. Every moment we have is temporary. Every stage of life is fleeting. We have to savor each moment, even the difficult ones.

I think part of me going into labor needs to be me mourning the loss of my fetus and celebrating the birth of my baby. Mourning the loss of my life with my husband as we know it and celebrating the start of our family. I need to tell him I am ready for him to come out and start the next chapter of his life with us. I need to be okay with sharing my baby with the rest of the world. There is no going back. Right now, I need to come to terms with getting ready to enjoy this birthing experience. This transition to moving him outside of my body. Sure there will be pain they say. There will be blood and gore and hospitals. I will not be scared. I will enjoy every moment of it. This will be the last big party for my fetus and the first big party for our babies birthday.

I'll get out my pointy party hat, streamers and noise makers. I am ready for this. Lets go.