May 23rd. 2013. I am 19 weeks today.
I found this in my drafts, looks like an old post slipped by me and never got published. Rereading this is pretty cool. About 12 weeks have gone by and so much has changed. I am no longer scared of being pregnant. I am not usually nauseous. I am not nearly as tired all the time. The worrying I was doing in the beginning was normal I think. I'm glad I've found a way to curb that worry. It all started with the first doctors visit when everything went well. The biggest part was the ultrasound, it was total confirmation that I was indeed pregnant, no mistaking. Now I'm feeling pretty normal and soon enough we will know the baby's gender, Paul with feel the kicking and it will seem even more solid. Then I will be tired again and huge and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby. Take a look at this old post:
Today is March 4th, 2013. I am 7 weeks pregnant. Seven weeks and five days to be exact, and I will be exact. I am counting the days. How does time, which always seems to go by so fast, suddenly seem to be dragging on. I'm anxious for so many things. I for one, and more than anything else, am anxious for my first doctors appointment. Almost more than that I am eager for the first trimester to be over. I am very aware about studies and statistics that say over whatever percent of miscarriages occur in the first trimester. Your chance of miscarriage decreases by blank percent in the second trimester. Chemical pregnancy, false positive, tubal pregnancy, not genetically viable. blah. blah. blah. I know, I know. Worrying doesn't help anything! Actually, worrying or even just being educated on the subject of miscarriage in the first trimester can't do anything to prevent it. Nothing at all, well besides the obvious don't drink, don't smoke kind of stuff. Also, you should probably stop huffing chrome paint under a bridge, that might help too.
I've done everything I'm supposed to do. Above and beyond. I've even been taking prenatal vitamins for three months before we conceived. I've been eating fruits and veggies, even though I want to gag the up. I've been drinking a lot of water, even though I have to pee every twenty minutes. I've even been walking 30 minutes a day. So why am I scared something is going to go wrong? I think every woman has her doubts now and then. Every pregnancy is different. All the books agree. Even two pregnancies with the same mom can vary wildly, you can never know what to expect. There really is no normal.
So I read everything I can get my eyeballs on. I suck it in through my peepers and try to digest. I try not to worry, I try to take all the advice as proof that there is no normal, everyone is different therefore I shouldn't take anything I'm experiencing as a bad sign without a doctor saying so. But sometimes I do anyway.
I had a nightmare that I had a miscarriage. I passed a big clot, picked it up and rinsed it off to find a tiny, bean sized gummy bear of a baby skeleton. I held it in my had and cried. I didn't want to get rid of it. I just stood there looking at it in all it's detail. I woke up and tears were streaming down my cheeks. It seemed so real that I started to think about the baby inside me as past tense. I had to shake my head, stop myself and say, HEY you don't know that you had a miscarriage! You need to stay strong and positive until someone tells you that you have a reason to cry.
In reality, I am fine. My boobs still hurt, I still want to ralph, I still am exhausted, lucky me right? Yes. lucky me for sure. Lucky us, my husband and I. We still have to wait, wait, wait for that first doctors appointment. Sixteen and a half days. Over two weeks. That really isn't that long. But so much can happen before then. So much will change. This little tadpole in my underbelly will have already lost it's tail. They are growing so fast. Come on body, come on buddy, come on odds, don't fail me now. One more month and I can worry a little less.
No comments:
Post a Comment